Gotei 14
by Artemst
Summary: Five years after the winter war. A new mark in history, the newest division. Arrancars revived, more vizard, lollipops, candy and sugar rushes. Have fun. T for language.
1. The First Problem

The first problem

One of the things that is infinite is human stupidity, not superiority.

A white haired man walked down the corridors of the first division, his pony tail was tied low and his bangs were parted in the middle of his head messily like two oversized eyebrows. A japanese style straw hat shaded the top part of his face from view. Between his teeth was a translucent yellow lollipop.

He was wearing the standard black kimono and hakama all shinigamis wore. Hands in his pocket like folds of his hakama. A large white piece of clothing was hanging from his right forearm. Black fur rimmed its edges. But those weren't the things that you'd notice at first glance. No, in fact, the first thing you'd notice was the black coffin slung on his back, that was shorter than him by a foot or so.

On it was a giant broad sword that was western in style, the grip was gold, a bit broad and wrapped in bandages, it didn't quite have a guard. It was shaped like a cross with the grip covering the middle of the first quarter of the blade and had four green diamonds stuck on it pointing to the four ends of a compass. The blade itself was dark grey, almost black and abruptly turns to silver around the edges.

The sword was chained down into the groove cut out on the coffin with chains and sealed with a few charms that was filled with hardly legitable calligraphy. If you looked close enough, you might see them move at a very slow pace.

The man made his leisurely way down the rest of the corridor, stopping in front of the twin white doors of the meeting room. He scratched his forehead, the movement turning into twirling a lock of his white hair. "This should be the place," he looked around. "It's been so long since I came here, it's kinda nostalgic actually." with that, he pushed opened the twin doors and entered.

The captains were already at their positions, Soifon glaring, her lost arm not showing in the folds of her haori. Gin, with his ever closed eyes. Unohana staring serenely at the newcomer. Byakuya stood rigid, eyes closed as usual. Komamura in his armoury and new battle scars. The only splash of bright colour on Shunsui's shoulders. Toushirou, not quite a midget anymore. Kenpachi let out a loud yawn, his haori was falling apart. Mayuri's face was painted differently, and he no longer looked like a gazelle. Ukitake coughing a bit. And there was Yamamoto, unchanging through the years.

The man stopped in the middle of the two lines. He took off his hat and bowed in a single fluid movement. Then, he grinned. "Long time no see Yama-jii."

He looked no more than 200 years old. Gold eyes gleaming with a childish glow, promising undone paperwork, candy, fun, craziness and deeper within was ancient knowledge and sheer power. He stood up straight.

"Fellow captains of the Gotei 13, you are gathered here today, to witness." Yamamoto started. "Today, we are no longer the Gotei 13, but the Gotei 14." All 12 pairs of eyes were on him.

"Why weren't we informed of this sooner?" Soifon snapped. She had heard rumours but there was nearly next to no evidence that there was going to be a new division. No new compounds or buildings were being prepared as the new division's headquarters. And who were the members anyway? Could it be...?

"Calm yourself, I shall explain no further, Taiga Kushiro, I leave the rest of the explanation to you." Yamamoto said. They all looked at the white-head, like he was Aizen revived. And they should, the Taiga clan was one of the four noble families and the oldest one at that. For another, Kushiro was, the first head in line that was born more than 3000 years ago.

"Hi, my name's Taiga Kushiro, head of the Taiga clan." Kushiro paused, pocketing his finished lollipop stick. "Starting today, I shall be the captain of the 14th division. The special non-shinigami division that is. It's not entirely shinigami free, but the shinigamis aren't shinigamis of the norm." He waited abit for the words to sink in. "For example, Kurosaki Ichigo, a substitute shinigami that got his zanpakuto by unnatural means. Not going through the process of death and skipping directly to getting his powers.

"Another would be Ulquiorra Cifer, Grimmjow Jaggerjaques, Tia Halibel, Neliel Tu Oderschavak and the rest of the arrancars that survived the war and have swore peace. They are currently under the care of my colleagues, who is currently trying to turn them into full shinigamis." Kushiro fiddled abit with his bangs, facing his fellow captains.

"Wait," Shunsui raised up his hand, "weren't they annihilated in the war?" speaking aloud the question that everyone was thinking.

"Negative, my fellow captain," Kushiro smirked. "Yes, they disappeared from _this_ existance. But our dear Kami-sama has given them a second chance, it depends if they're willing to take it though." Kushiro uttered Kami-sama like it was merely a friend's name. Indeed it was actually, for he was one of the two people in this entire existance that had seen and met the divine being in person and lived to tell the tale.

"You mentioned that they disappeared from _this _dimension," Byakuya said slowly. "Where, exactly, did they disappear _to_?"

"I did?" Kushiro feigned innocence, but ignored the question. "Yet another example would be Inoue Orihime, Sado Yasutora and company. Having spiritual power not in the form zanpakutos. Also, if they accept, the Quincies shall also be in this division but are free to do whatever they wish if Yama-jii approves." Kushiro added emphasis on the last part, making eye-contact with Yamamoto. "Lastly," he paused, his hand reached out to grab the air, but it didn't come back empty. In his hand was a white hollow mask that had tiger markings on it. "Would be the Vizards." Kushiro smirked at the slightly surprised looks of the captains. "They weren't the first to go through this transformation." he added, letting his mask disintergrate.

"Now then, any questions?"

* * *

Kushiro let out a long suffering sigh, after the meeting, he was throughly interrogated by a few of the captains. "Not much time left for today," _Time_, ah yes, Time. Kushiro smirked.

"Not much indeed, Cushion." said a voice behind him.

"Hey there Sir of All Madness," Kushiro retorted playfully.

"Sage of Arcane Magic thanks." Sam answered. He also had white hair, but it was short, barely brushing his shoulders. "Did you tell them anything you shouldn't?"

"Nothing beyond the fact that I was from the Zero Division." Kushiro answered looking at the rising moon.

"Technically, you're not from the Zero Division." Sam reached into a black top hat and pulled out a small orb. "Why didn't Kami-sama just erase their memories and just say the heck with it? No, rather, why did he even create this thing?" Sam held up nothing less than the Hogyoku itself and threw it at Kushiro.

"He was bored," Kushiro answered nonchalant, tossing the most dangerous orb in all of existance back to Sam. "He's like a kid you know."

"Look who talking," Sam snickered. "He took your _watch_ didn't he?"

"Way to put it Captain Obvious," Kushiro deadpanned, he stopped in the middle of an empty compound that was still within seireitei. "Well, come on, if you don't hurry, where is a taicho supposed to put his division?"

Sam shook his head slightly, he rubbed the surface of the Hougyoku with his thumb. This orb was made specially for him, given personally by the divine being.

Not to mention, thrown by the divine being during his tantrum into Urahara's hands. The ability to distort reality. Sam clenched his fingers around it and it emitted a silver glow, the same shade as his eyes. "Come into being." he whispered. Reality distorted, the landscape began swirling into an abyss, then, fiber by fiber, the japanese-styled buildings came into existance.

Within the minute, the fourteenth division's headquarter was finished. Sam snapped his fingers and the lights came on. "Well then, I'm done here, see you. Mitsuki and Satsuki are coming with the arrancars tomorrow, Vizards will be moving in an hour's time and I'll be sending in the Zero division guys."

"Yep, seeya in a while, Sam." Kushiro waved at the portal. "Call the chefs over too."

"Will do!" Sam called over the noise of the portal.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the realm of the living, the Kurosaki household was strangely quiet. Oh wait, that was because I was wearing earplugs. My bad.

A loud crash was heard, one of the many that happened since Ichigo had started packing. "I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR SON IS GOING TO LEAVE US! MASAKI! DID YOU HEAR THAT?" Isshin hugged the poster of his wife like a lifeline. "THIS HEARTLESS BOY IS GOING TO LEAVE US ALL ALO-ubbuuh!" Isshin was aburptly cut off as Karin's foot connected with his face.

"SHUT UP ALREADY IDIOT FATHER! SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO _SLEEP_ HERE!" Karin shouted into his ear. When certain that her father was going to shut up for _at least_ another ten minutes, Karin stormed off to her room she shared with Yuzu. Yuzu was silent, not making a sound on her bed.

Karin glanced at her and scratch her head in frustration. "Come here you big crybaby." Yuzu peeped out from under her blanket, eyes red and puffy, desprately trying not to cry anymore.

"I'm- not, cry-ng." Her voice broke and she started bawling at full force. Karin sighed and when over to her twin, holding her and patting her comfortingly.

"There, there," she whispered. "Ichi-nii is already 20, he should be leaving, it's not like he's dea-" Karin stopped, then shook her head. "It's not like he's dead. Sure, he's going to the land of the not-so-living. So what? It's not like he has a choice does he,"

"He does," Yuzu sobbed, pounding at the bedframe. "he does." She hiccuped.

"I know, but would you choose to abandon your memories and an awesome power for a normal life? Losing all your nakama for your past life?" Karin reasoned, though she was also aching inside. Yuzu didn't answer. "C'mon stop crying, you don't want to look like a zombie when sending him off would you?" After a pause, Yuzu nodded. "Let's get some shut eye."

Ichigo dropped facedown onto his mattress. The week had been long, _too_ long. He pinched the bridge of his nose. He faintly remembered how Rukia had just walked into his room five years ago, somehow suprising him. After the winter war, not much had cropped up for them to meet. A few hollows here and there, but nothing more serious than that. A huge hollow appeared once with lots of reinforcement, but still it was nothing compared to fighting in the war.

But then, Rukia suddenly appeared, walked right into his medical university dorm. Well, more like flew right into his face foot-first.

Who knew lastest seireitei technology was attached to her foot and she literally kicked his soul right out of him. And as if the five year gap didn't exist, she pulled him to fight a Menos Grande that had appeared due to a distortion in the barriers between dimensions. He destroyed it without much difficulty. But he had gotten hurt abit because he was distracted by Rukia's presence, it was until she called him to stop being a moron and start fighting properly did he unleash a Getsuga at the Menos.

Yeah, that was Rukia alright.

He rolled over to lie on his back, recalling their coversation after the Menos was defeated.

_"Good work, Ichigo," Rukia started, her voice still had that slightly deep tone to it. "Well, long time no see. I see that you're sword skills are getting rusty."_

_"Rukia," Ichigo finally said, a thousand things coursed through his __head. But he only said one thing, "Yeah, nice to see you still up and __kicking. How's life treating you?"_

_"Haven't seen you in a while and that's all you have to say?" She was cut off by a ringtone. "Chappy, Chappy, Chappy, the funny bunny, he's cute and pi-" Rukia fumbled with the handphone for a second before picking up. "Excuse me," _

_Ichigo watched as she started off with a serious tone, giving her report of the Menos. Then gradually turning pink as the person on the other line teased her. She then ended the call while shouting a few profinities at phone and snapping it shut. "Damn that Renji, where were we? Right, Ichigo, down to business, Yamamoto-taicho is making a deal, your power is constantly growing isn't it? Even the constricter doesn't help keep it in check."_

_"Your point?" Ichigo asked, his hand absently touched the black band on his wrist that doubled both as a watch and the constricter as well as a tracking device._

_"Your reiatsu is distorting the balance again," Rukia sighed. "The realm of the living is not built to contain captain-class reiatsu. Yamamoto-soutaicho is giving you two options in this matter," Rukia paused. "One, is to leave the realm of the living for good."_

_"Which is to say, he wants me dead." _

_"Technically, yes. Your physical body will die, and you can't come to this realm frequently, maybe once in every decade or century. The damage caused by your reiatsu is going to be irreversable if it continues to grow."_

_"Then why don't you guys just put a captain-reiatsu seal on me? You know, the ones they put on the taichos when they came the first time? It works on Kenpachi, so why not me?" Ichigo stopped mid-step. The night sky above them went dark as a cloud blocked the moon light._

_"It won't work on you. Kenpachi's reiatsu stopped growing centuries ago, it'll stay at that level for the rest of eternity, it replenishes itself but doesn't grow. Shinigamis grow into their reiatsu, we have a certain capacity, full Bankai being the final phase of our reiatsu __growth. But you're an exception, your reiatsu growth doesn't end with __Bankai, it continues to grow at a steady pace never meeting its end. This is what we call '_**Infinities**_'. There are currently 3 Infinities in all of recorded history, first is Taiga Kushiro born 3000 years ago, head and founder of the Taiga clan. Next is Kuroya Kai, a ryoka like you that got shinigami powers through unnatural means. There is one more, but we are unable to find any information beyond the fact that his name starts with a 'S'."_

_"Okay, so my new nickname is 'Infinity'. Cool." He answered sarcastically. "So what's the other option?"_

_Rukia went silent for a moment. "Sealing your powers permanently and a memory wipe, cutting all ties with Soul Society and Hueco Mundo."_

_"So what your saying is that I have to give up either my family or my memories."_

_"In essence, yes." Rukia answered, their pace stopped entirely. Rukia turned back to look at the dandelion head. "Look Ichigo, Yamamoto-soutaicho originally just wanted to wipe your memory of this five years clean of soul society and your powers. But, we managed to persuade him, Renji, Hisagi, Hitsugaya-taicho, Matsumoto, Ukitake-taicho, heck, even Byakuya oni-sama filed a letter to him." Rukia flung her hands around for emphasis. "Ichi..."_

_Ichigo blinked, amazed. "...I'll think about it." was all he managed._

Ichigo sat up, he had dozed off. _"Be at Urahara's sweet shop on Sunday, 6 p.m. sharp. I'll be on the other side."_

**

* * *

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A/N: Why, hello there, this is the first chapter of my first fanfic. Hope it isn't to random. It's supposed to be a kind of funny-serious fanfic, with random scenes and maybe a plot. The time flows in one way, so the scenes happen one after another unless I say it isn't.

**Reviews and comments would be nice.**

**For how the OCs look, well, if my description isn't clear enough, you can find most of them in my dA acc.**

**Thats all for now, Ja Ne.**


	2. The Second Problem

The second problem

Facial expression sometimes differ from the monotone

"Heeeeeeey, sleepy head~!" A seemingly younger looking female version of Kushiro slapped Urahara's back, hard.

"Ouff, that hurts Satsuki." Urahara got up and rubbed his eyes. A tall voluptuos woman walked into the room with a tray. She shared the same golden coloured irises and pale skin of Satsuki and Kushiro, her black hair was held in a half bun with a sakura shaped hair-clip. Her eyes were big and round unlike Satsuki and Kushiro's sharp edged eyes. "Ah, Mitsuki, what time is it?"

"Just past 4am Soul Society time, Urahara-tan." She set down the tray, a light meal of bread rolls and thick soup was on it. "You should eat something, Yorucchi is worried about your health."

"Later, in exactly 300 seconds the machine will be done with them." Urahara stretched. "Hopefully it works. Call Sam when it's done. The Hougyoku is needed."

"Mitsuki-nee, I want seconds." Satsuki held up the empty pot of soup that was supposed to feed the scientist.

"Hai, hai, Sacchan~" Mitsuki cheerily waltzed out of the massive double doors of the laboratory. "Sam~" she sung as she walked down misty corridors, it was nearly always like this in the God realm. Unless Kami-sama decided to turn it into flames or disco lights or the one time he decided to make a new colour by mixing tonnes of things together and created a giant lump of dark matter that was deemed edible but looked too gross to touch.

Mitsuki's kimono was standard black minus the hakama and plus a bright red obi. Tying the obi together was a thin black rope with an ornamental gold cresent moon on it. She hummed as she went into the kitchens. The chefs worked in shifts so there was a never ending supply of food.

"Dame baKai!" She heard while walking past the Zero division's private rooms. A few loud crashes were heard, then the door slid slightly open before flying off its grooves inches from Mitsuki pretty face. A teen with long black hair tied in a ponytail and messy bangs emerged from the room, hand holding onto his bleeding nose. He looked up at Mitsuki, his eyes were the same colour of the blood flowing from his nose.

"Ah, Ohaiyou-gozaimasu Mitsuki-san." He greeted her in slight monotone, inclining his head.

"You really shouldn't do that Kuro-pii," Mitsuki put the soup down and tilted Kai's head backwards and wiped away the blood with a napkin she'd got from the kitchen.

"I apreciate your help, but please refrain from calling me that." Kai's voice was slightly muffled by the napkin.

"Okay, Kuro-pii~" Kai let out a mental sigh. Why, were the few women he associated with always so infuriating? "So what was the lesson we learnt today?"

"..." Kai didn't answer, his face unreadable as always. _Do not try to wake up Setsu before dawn unless it was for a mission. _

Facial expressions are sometimes very different from the voice inside someone's head.

A white-haired girl emerged from the room, clad in a baggy t-shirt and shorts, her hair was spiky at the top and her uneven fringe shaded her right eye, the rest of her hair was long and slightly bed-ruffed. Her deep sapphire eyes were half lidded. A scar that started a few centimeters above the middle of her right eyebrow slashed vertically down her face and stopped mid-cheek. "Hey, Mitsuki-nee." she said as she stifled a yawn.

"Hi Set-chan." Mitsuki picked up the soup, "The soup's for Urahara-tan, so, no." She answered Setsu's silent question. Setsu's bottom-less pit was legendary in the Zero Division. "Go get some from the kitchen and get ready soon, we're leaving for Soul Society in 14 hours."

* * *

Inoue Orihime was a normal girl with a not so normal kind of appetite. She hummed slightly as she ate her ice cream that was covered with mustard and mayonnaise. For fifth time this week, the memory had plagued her dreams.

_What is it?....If I tear open your chest, will I see it inside?_

_If I shatter your skull, will I see it there?_

_You damn humans speak of it so easily, almost as if--_

Orihime closed her eyes, letting the cold ice cream melt in her mouth. His green eyes were burned into her eyelids.

_I see..._

His dintergrating hand reached out to her. She wasn't able to touch it before it flowed away with the wind.

_This.. yes, this thing in my hand_

_Is the _**heart**_?_

She wished she had caught his hand..

_"Girl, are you afraid of me?"_

_"No."_

The memory left a permanent mark in her mind. _That's right,_ she thought. _His heart is with me now. _Today, she was going to leave for Soul Society. She had not hesitated to choose the first option when Matsumoto had given it to her. She Would not abandon her memories or his heart.

She got up and discarded the empty ice-cream tub. She had cleared out the apartment. It was good as new, a few cracks in the walls due to age and unfaded patches where the photographs used to hang were all that was left to the walls, indicating that the apartment used to be lived in. That was all.

All the things that she wanted to bring fit nicely into a large trunk that was sitting in the hall. The rest of it was given to Tatsuki or to charity. _Tatsuki..._

Tatsuki was the only thing that she regretted giving up. You couldn't just up and leave behind your best friend like you never knew her. No, memories made since the day you met would last forever.

Orihime shook her head and patted her cheeks, she could come back to visit, not very often but she still could come back. She looked at the rising sun.

She'll survive.

* * *

The last thing Tia Halibel remembered before the darkness ended was a voice.

_Good Morning dear child, you should be waking up now. The sun is cooking your buttocks if you haven't notice. _

Her eyes snapped open, immediately noticing the stifling heat. And the lack of clothing on her bare body. A single blanket saved her dignity, but its material made her very hot and sweaty. The next thing she noticed was that she was trapped in a cylindrical tube. Everything was tinted red in the dim light. Through the translucent glass she saw a black figure coming closer.

Then she heard a gush of air as the glass slowly detached itself by a few inches before sliding upwards. She silently thanked the person for letting her out of the tube as she felt the cool air on her dark skin. She saw that the figure was actually a tall woman cladded in a black kimono. "Hi there, I'm Mitsuki, Taiga Mitsuki. Welcome back from the dead~ You can take a shower there," Mitsuki pointed to a door on the other side of the room. "Hopefully the clothes will fit."

Mitsuki helped Halibel out of the capsule, she felt strange in the body. Her sense of touch much more acute. Her legs wobbled slightly when they tried to support her weight, "Rest abit, your body has been out of use for a long time, not to mention just rebuilt." Halibel sat at the edge of the capsule, one of the many that formed a flower in full bloom in the middle of the room.

Halibel tried to speak, but her unused voice came out hoarse. She reached up to touch her face.

The mask was gone.

She was alarmed as sudden realization washed over her. The reason her sense of touch was so sensitive was because her protective layer of hierro wasn't there. She wasn't an arrancar anymore. She didn't know what to feel at that exact moment. Emotions flitted across her eyes, shock, joy, weariness, fear, loneliness, confusion....She just gasped at the sudden emotional breakdown. Feelings long locked away and lost jumped at her.

Mitsuki patted the former arrancar's soft blonde hair, "Let it all out, They've been locked up in there for a long time haven't they?" Halibel allowed Mitsuki to put her comforting arms around her. It was always the complex ones that were weak. Mitsuki rocked her back and forth, singing a soft song. There she sat until the emotions stopped flowing, the only thing left was confusion.

Halibel stood up slowly and made her way to the bathroom. The questions could wait. The water flowing down her back refreshed her, it was comforting to be in one's element. She fumbled with the clothes abit, not familiar with kimonos, but then gave up when they didn't stay tied down. Instead, she just donned the turtle neck jacket that she found in the stack of clothes over her hakama and zipped it right up to her face.

She felt naked without her mask. She felt like she had lost a dear friend, a apart of her that was irreplaceble. She had not been able to feel Tiburon the entire time. Mitsuki was still in the messy lab, cables ran everywhere, Halibel sidestepped a few of them, careful not to lose her balance. A pain she hadn't felt in a long while struck her stomach. She was hungry.

Mitsuki looked up and giggled, she heard the loud growl of Halibel's stomach. "You must be hungry, a few of your nakama have already woke up. Come on, this way to the kitchen." Halibel blushed in embarassment, thank goodness her skin was dark enough to hide it.

"What about that one?" Her green eyes trailed to the other capsules, there were twelve in total, six were sealed but empty, including her capsule, five were open. The last one had a person inside, but she couldn't make out his or her face through the clouded glass.

"Don't worry about him yet, he'll wake up in time." Mitsuki pushed Halibel to the mess hall. "By the way, I haven't caught your name yet, What is it?"

"Tia Halibel." She answered, her old pride was heard in her voice.

"Then I'll call you BelBel!" Mitsuki beamed as she steered Halibel to the mess hall.

Which was seriously turning into a _mess_-y hall. Excuse the pun.

"The cleaners aren't going to be pleased." Kai muttered as he neatly side stepped the flying projectile, skipped over an unconcious body and tilted his head at the last possible moment as a pot flew his way, missing by a hair's breath. All while holding a tray of food in his right hand, not a single drop of the miso soup was spilt "Konnichiwa, Mitsuki-san and...?" He inquired silently.

Halibel stared at Kai. He could almost be Ulquiorra's twin. "Tia Halibel, and you are..?"

"Kuroya Kai, yoroshiku Halibel-shi." Kai politely inclined his head. He quickly left the scene, it was beyond help now.

Grimmjow had started a fight with Kai simply because Kai's face pissed him off. Then Nel had started a game of tag with Setsu, Satsuki, Akira, a tall guy with spiky blonde hair, Sunsun and Razbelle, a young girl with long vermillion coloured hair and kid-version of Kushiro's eyes. Starrk had fallen asleep halfway through the meal, his hand still holding the fork.

1+1=2 right?

Fight+ Grimmjow+ Pissed off- Kai+ Nel+ A few people who always went overboard+ A game of tag+ An unconcious guy+ a fork= ? Do the Math, it's simple enough. My answer is _TRAGIC CHAOS, _what's yours?

Well, what actually happened was that Kai had ignored Grimmjow, and in turn left the table with his food. Grimmjow getting even more pissed off by Kai went and grabbed him by his shoulder. Wrong move. Kai flipped him single handedly and he landed butt-first onto Starrk's forks. It must've hurt.

Of course it did, especially with the lack of hierro to protect his nether regions. As he was swearing the hell out of it's dimension, Nel had a sudden interest to the live crab escaping from under the table. She made a grab for it and its claw's caught her finger, making her fling the thing at Grimmjow, who was still swearing. The crab, oh the poor little crab, latched on to Grimmjow's face for dear life.

In his literally blind rampage, Grimmjow had started to claw at the little creep. His sweeping hands sending food flying all over the place. In which, nearly always resulted in a food fight. In this case, it did. Kai was still at the scene, collecting a few more pieces of tempura from the buffet table before leaving.

That pretty much sums up what happened.

Starrk sat up with a groan. In his hand was a deformed fork that had obviously been sat on. "Huh, whut happened?" he asked groggily.

Halibel observed the mess, then she spotted the rice and high carbohydrate foods on Starrk's plate. High Carbs need more energy to process, no wonder Starrk fell asleep. During her arrancar years, she had eaten human food on some occasions with the rest of the espada and had noticed that Starrk always dropped asleep after a big helping of rice.

"Fire in the Hole!" Setsu threw a cake in Starrk's direction. Starrk didn't register what was happening fast enough, and was covered in cake with a comical 'splat'.

"Oh, shit." Setsu swore. "Every person for their own sorry ass!" She jumped over the buffet table and ran like hell in the other direction. She should actually, because the Janitor had just appeared.

This wasn't a normal run-of-the-mill janitor that swore at you and maybe chased you once in a while for dirtying is newly mopped floor. No, this one tracks you down and slowly tortures you, no one that has become victim of him has ever been the same again.

Everyone scramed and skadadled as fast as they could, shunpo-ing and running as far away from the homicidal person emitting a murduruos aura, even Grimmjow. Everyone, except for our dear little Starrk who was still half asleep and confused about the whole ordeal.

What happened next can be summed up into two words, quoting Setsu, _Oh, Shit._

* * *

The setting sun casted twilight on the streets of Karakura. Ichigo trudged down the street, it had been a long time since he walked down this way. In front of him was Urahara Shouten, old but still in good condition. Ururu was sweeping the floor outside, she was already in her teens, but her hair was still in the same style. She looked up at Ichigo and bowed respectfully, "We have been waiting for you, Kurosaki-san." she said meekly.

She led him into the store, the trapdoor was already open, Ururu took Ichigo's luggage and jumped down first. Landing in a puff of dust, and walked over to the giant Senkaimon, a replica of the one they had passed through five years ago. Tessai was there, putting up the final touches. Orihime had gotten there half an hour ago. Chad was there too, everything packed into a single box. They exchanged silent nods.

"It's not as perfect as Urahara-san's, but it will suffice." Tessai touched the frame gingerly. "You know the drill. Run like hell and don't get caught by the Janitor. Remember the time-limit."

"Yeah, four minutes." Ichigo whispered.

"Eh, is Ishida-kun not coming?" Orihime wondered out loud.

Everyone else went silent.

"What're you guys thinking?" a familiar voice said from behind them. "Good evening and long time no see."

"Ishida-kun, you came!" Orihime beamed. Trotting over to give him a hug. Ishida had lost contact with them after highschool.

"Leaving this world already?" Ichigo asked.

"Don't take this the wrong way, I simply represent the Quincies as the last one." Ishida adjusted his glasses. He was clad in the white Quincy uniform, minus the ridiculous cape.

"Yeah, whatever you say." Ichigo laughed, he missed this lot. He held up the shinigami badge Ukitake had given him years ago. "Here goes nothing." He pressed the badge to his forehead. His body slumped to the floor.

_So long, Halcyon days_

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A/N: Another chapter of craziness, angst and humour. Hopefully Starrk doesn't die too badly.

**Reviews and Comments are nice, next chapter, they meet under the same roof, or rather crash right through it. The 14th Division starts operating!**

**Hnn, might upload another one soon. Trying to do this weekly or fortnightly. **


	3. The Third Problem

The Third Problem

Freefall is fun, sometimes.

The members of the Zero division that were all in their respective gear gathered at the lowest point of the cloud-haven dimension. Today was their unlucky day, Kami-sama had decided to turn the mist into fire, real burning flames that licked at their legs harmless but still gave off an intense heat. On the bright side, it was better than the time of the 'Dark matter' incident.

On the down side, they were being cooked.

"WHERE IN THE BLOODY F-toot-ING HELL IS SAM?" Setsu swore. The Ouken was the main way to exit the king's realm, but Kami-sama had decided to hide it somewhere other than the current hiding spot, so they had to ask Sam to open his usual portal.

"Over here, over here!" Sam raised his hands and waved excitedly. The heat didn't bother him at all. He _did_ have the ability to distort reality, which he used to keep the heat at bay.

"Oh, you're finally here, now_ mind you open the door?_" Satsuki smiled, her killing aura seeped in from where ever killing auras were kept. Just wait till you read her monolog, which I will not put up because of mature themes issues.

Razbelle, who was riding on Kai's back however, exchanged a glance with Setsu. Then suddenly they both jumped at Sam, in a flying kick position. Razbelle landed a kick on his sorry face and Setsu got him between his legs, _painfully. _

The others couldn't help feel a bit sorry for Sam, even if he did bring it upon himself.

-please wait a moment as we fix a bit of things-

Urahara whistled as he leant against a white wooden box that was big enough for a person. "Ne, Urahara-oji, what's that?" Razbelle asked him as she mounted Kai's back.

"It's a box." Urahara stated simply. "And a secret. By the way, if you think it looks like a coffin, you seriously have no sense of humour."

"..Okay, are you ready to go? It's not going to be very smooth since it needs to transport so many of you. And al-"

"Okay, we get it, not going to be a smooth ride, etc, etc. Now could you please, open the friggin' doorway?" Satsuki asked impatiently.

"I'll try to land you as close to the Division as possible.." Sam muttered something darkly under his voice along the lines of ungrateful people and as close as possible, in terms of walking distance. "Bye,"

"Yeah, see-youuuuaaAAAAAAHHH!" Akira shouted as the portal opened right beneath their feet and they were thrown into freefall. Even shunpo didn't keep them a float.

_Yep, revenge _is_ sweet. _Sam thought as he turned to the platform that levitated him to the main floor of the cloud-haven-that-was-currently-burning.

_Then again, it's a dish best eaten cold... Revenge must be ice-cream then._

_

* * *

_

Ichigo was not the kind of person who had deja vu-s on a daily basis. But then again, of all the times they could enter the senkaimon, why,

"-IS THE FREAKING JANITOR ALWAYS ON!" Ichigo shouted, shunpo-ing as fast as he could while carrying Orihime and pulling Chad and the rest of their baggage along with Ishida's Hirenkyaku.

"Just shut up and move faster Kurosaki," Ishida snapped, annoyed.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MOVE PROPERLY WHEN YOU'RE SLOWING US BOTH DOWN!" Ichigo sped up just to prove his point. Ishida accepted the challenge and sped up himself. They kept at it until they saw the end of the senkaimon.

They also noticed that the Janitor didn't seem to get any further than them since they started running. Did it get closer? "WHAT THE HELL?"

Just at the last second, they both flung Chad out the Senkaimon before jumping out themselves. The booming engine of the Janitor was completely shut out when the senkaimon closed. "Whew," Ichigo sighed as he was suspended in the air, he had expected them to come out into empty air through past experiences. "That was close. Sorry Chad!" Ichigo shouted to Chad whom he had flung into a tall tree. Chad gave a thumbs-up from where the branches had caught him.

"Ne, Kurosaki-kun, do you hear something?" Orihime climbed up to sit more comfortably on his back. "It sounds like some people are falling."

"Yeah, actually it does." Ishida pushed up his spectacles.

Then they noticed the shadow that was casted over them. They looked up.

* * *

As Kushiro was waiting for the rest of his division to show up, the Vizards had turned up and gotten first pick on their rooms. Currently, Shunsui and Ukitake had showed up for a mini-division-warming party. Oh the joy when Ukitake had brought two giant bags of candy for him.

He took a sip of coke from the plate that was usually used for drinking sake while playing a game of shougi with Ukitake. The Vizards were having a rumble in the training grounds, breaking it in apparently. Kushiro just hoped they won't destroy the building part of the training grounds, it would be very troublesome to repair it since it was made of highly durable stuff made to withstand even Yamamoto's Sokotsu punches. That's saying something.

"You hear something weird?" Ukitake asked, stopping mid-move.

"No, unless you mean the rest of my division going in freefall and screaming their heads off. Then yes." Kushiro answered, impassive. "Check."

Ukitake just stared. Shunsui shrugged.

* * *

The Vizard paused as they heard the noise. "That doesn't sound so good." Love said. "Maybe we should move awa-" But before he could finish, a whole group of people crashed right through the ceiling, screaming, swearing, doing mid-air cartwheels...etc.

The other Vizards had moved away from the spot, except for Love, who was a step slow and Shinji who was pushed back by Hiyori. Everyone landed in a mess except for Kai who had Razbelle latched on to his back, laughing hysterically. He had managed to slow down his landing to a slow descent. The former-arrancars also landed in a heap because they hadn't gotten used to their new bodies yet.

When the cloud of dust cleared, everyone had pretty much gotten back their bearings. All of them were cursing Sam for locking away their shunpo abilities.

The Vizards stared at the former-arrancars in shock.

"What the... Aren't you guys supposed to be dead?" Shinji asked.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Hiyori immediately unsheathed her sword and shifted into battle stance, so did the arrancars. All of them except Starrk.

"AHHHHHH! Oh my god," He gasped. "What have you done?"

Everyone stopped to look at him. "What _have_ we done?"

Without another word, Starrk pulled out some buckets of water, mops, rags out of no where and somehow got an apron on himself and a white bandanna. He threw some cleaning fluid into the buckets. "My god, this place is dusty. Come on, chop chop, what are you guys doing? This place isn't going to clean itself."

Everyone was still staring, but their shoulders sagged. "HUH?"

There was a weird glow in Starrk's eyes. A look of reconition spread over Akira's face, he snapped his fingers. "The curse of the Janitor has come true!"

"A what now?" Grimmjow asked, "You mean this sorry fucker got freakin' screwed by that homicidal janitor?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Starrk appeared next to Grimmjow, a serious look on his face. "Huh...what the?" Grimmjow said as he was handed a bucket of soap water. "I ain't going to do no fucking housew-"

"Shut up! Get to work!" Starrk cut him off.

"Who'r-"

"Dontarguewithme, becausearguingwastestime, andwithtimedustgathers, SAVVY?" Starrk said in quick succession.

"Meep?"

"Good, now get to work."

With that, Starrk managed to make everyone clean up the training hall except for Razbelle, heaven forbid anyone who wants to live make Razbelle cry. She had a _seriously_ overprotective father. Urahara and Mitsuki had also mysteriously disappeared.

An hour later, when the hall was sparkling clean enough for them to see their reflections on it, Starrk finally allowed them to rest.

"Note to self," Setsu panted as she slumped on the ground. "Get the hell out of the way when Starrk sees a mess."

Everyone silently agreed.

* * *

The smell of food made Setsu run ahead to the buffet table and start stuffing herself. "Voi, Setsu, others also have to eat you know." Kushiro called, non-chalantly sipping at his bottle of coke.

"He's right you know, Kamiga-chaan~" Urahara chimed in, opening his white fan with a flick of his wrist. Setsu perked up, her mouth stuffed full of udon. Almost immediately she launched herself at him, spinning in mid-air and kicking him right in the face. The rest of the troupe applauded. "What was that for?"

"Hnn, slacking off while Starrk went house-maid on us." Then she turned to Kushiro, "Now, please explain this whole damned situation Kushiro. They freaking won't stop fighting for more than ten seconds!" Setsu said as she went back to the table. "And please could you two be civilized for two seconds?" Setsu shouted at Grimmjow and Shinji who had started another brawl.

"The Bowl head/Kitty-cat started it!" They both shouted stimutaneously. Shinji was whacked upside by Hiyori's slipper. While Grimmjow was deftly elbowed in the gut by Satsuki.

"Thank you, now then, a very belated welcome to the Gotei's newest divi-" Kushiro was cut off as a cake flew his way. They had already started with the food fight. He dodged it cleanly, managing to swipe a bit of the icing off before it flew past. "-sion. Now, you're all the proud members of the 14th division, yay! Hm, nice cake, anyway, have fun and try not to destroy this place. Um, .. for the seated positions, well that's for tomorrow. Tonight, we have to warm this place up! ...And please, for the love of your own precious asses, _**don't tear this place down.**_" Kushiro's voice dropped an octave. "That's all!" he ended cheerily.

As the chaos went on, Ishida couldn't help but feel that someone was missing. Maybe it was Starrk, who they had given anathestics, bakudo-ed and thrown into a locker to keep him from going all house-maid from the mess.

Halfway through the division-warming party, someone had spiked the punch with vodka. Razbelle drank it without noticing the alcoholic taste inside. There was a reason minors weren't supposed to drink.

For one, Razbelle had _very_ low tolerance to alcohol. For another, she was the type of violent drunk. The chaos only got worst. She went up to every grown man who had light coloured hair and demanded that they gave her candy. Those who complied to her demand lived, those who didn't, well let's just say they didn't think they'd have children anymore.

A few people by then had already retired to their rooms, others had either passed out or were too lazy to move from the places they had sat and decided to stay there for the night.

Starrk was going to flip when he wakes up to see this. If he could get out of the bakudo and locker, that is.

* * *

_Understand girl, this is not a negotiation, this is an order. _He was in a dark tunnel, the name of the place escaped him. Two unconcious bodies were on the ground, a gir- the scene changed before he could recognize who it was.

A fuzzy sound was heard, in which he answered, _What do you want me to say? 'Don't worry, I'm sure he's still alive?' Ridiculuos. _He was in a white room_. _Time skipped abit. _If it were me, and my friends came to Hueco Mundo without first gauging their strength, __**I'd be infuriated with their stupidity. **_He heard hurried footsteps coming at him before feeling someone slap his face, the person who slapped him stared at him with tearful eyes. _Ino-_

The scene whisked away before the name formed. He pulled his bloodied hand out of a person. _Even if you rise up a thousand times, there will be no victory for you. _The black of the uniform spread out to become the floor as the scene changed yet again.

_Heart, you say, you humans are always so quick to say such things. _He was standing in a large hall, the black floors reflecting the white pillars. A_s though you hold it I the palm of your hands. But my eye sees everything, nothing can escape it. _He took a step forward. _What it doesn't see doesn't exist. That's how I've always fought. _He lifted his hand to her chest. _**What is a Heart?**__ If I rip your chest open will I see it? If I crack open your skull will I find it in there? _The name tried to form again in his head. _Inoue Or-_

The background changed with the scene, _I see, _he reached out to the girl. ..._yes, this thing in my hand...Is the__** heart? **_The scene faded as his body disintegrated into ash, flowing with the wind.

His eyes slowly opened, the moonlight glanced off his green irises. He sat up, he was in an unfamiliar room, wearing a white shihakusho. He tore the blanket off himself and walked out of the room. One thing crossed his still groggy mind.

_Inoue Orihime._

_

* * *

_

Orihime couldn't sleep. The cleaning had left her physically exhausted but her mind was still wide awake. She tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. The pale moonlight shining through her window reminded her of her room in Las Noches.

The whole day had been chaotic, so much so that the questions that she wanted to ask were pushed to the back of her head. The arrancars were back, how was that possible? Starrk, Halibel, Grimmjow, SunSun and Nel were back, could it be possible that _he_ was also here?

_No, don't get your hopes up. For all you know, he can't come back, you saw him disappear...right before your eyes. _Orihime curled into a ball. The pain wrenched at her heart.

After the pain subsided, she got up and decided to take a walk. The wind picked up as she slid open the door of her room. She paced down the hallways, only the sound of the wind and the occasional loud snoring of other people as she passed their rooms was heard. The lights in the hall where the division-warming party was held were still on, but it was quiet, everyone must've passed out or went to bed.

As she walked, she let her mind to wander, thinking of the silly things she used to think of when she was still in highschool. Like the time she passed up her artwork assignment entitled "How do you picture yourself in 10 years time?" with a picture of herself as a robot, complete with boob missiles.

She laughed quietly at herself, those were the good old days. The time where her innocent self could just sit there and daydream, not a care in the world. She sighed, _How time flies,_ she thought. It was hectic when her spiritual powers awakened, by the time things had subsided, her 16th birthday had come and gone, she was back home and safe, expected to go on living her life as normal. She did, as normal as possible. It was until Tatsuki one day just grabbed her and called her to snap out of it, that she realized she had been living as a shell of the person she used to be.

When she turned the corner, she failed to notice the person who was also turning into the corridor and collided into him. "Sorry, sorry! I didn't think there would be anyone awake at this hour! Eheh, I'm so airheaded. Are you okay?" Orihime rubbed the spot where her forearm had bruised, slowly getting up.

The shadow the roof casted shaded the upper part of the person's body. A hoarse grunt replied her query. Orihime turned to look at the person, caramel brown meeting poison green. She gasped as she recognized the man. Shock took over her senses as her knees buckled, sending her to the ground again.

Ulquiorra leaned forward, throwing his face into sharp relief. His mask was gone, so were the teal coloured tear marks which were replaced with real flowing tears. His eyes were wide, like Halibel, emotions attacked his unguarded mind the moment he let them loose. He sat there, looking so vulnerable, tears streaming freely from his eyes.

The shock dissappated as quickly as it had came. Orihime was at a loss, it had never crossed her mind that Ulquiorra would look so unguarded. Awkwardly, she put her arms around her former captor who returned the gesture, his pale fingers digging into the fabric of her garment.

Orihime let him rest his head on her shoulder, the tears soaked her nightgown. "I've missed you." She whispered.

* * *

**A/N: UlquiHime fluff! My goodness, I feel kinda embarassed putting this kinda thing up. When will Kubo go back to Hueco Mundo in the manga? I'm seriously missing Rukia and the others.**

**More craziness next chapter, maybe Kami-sama will make Aizen come back ?O.o**


	4. The Fourth Problem

**A/N: hi, I know I posted this as a seperate story, but originally it was supposed to go in here. Sorry for the repitition.**

* * *

The Fourth Problem

Yamamoto and Laxatives don't mix, at all.

Kushiro was awakened by a rather loud hell moth that had stopped outside his room. He was quite a bit pissed when his candy-filled dreams came to an aburpt halt. "Taiga Kushiro-taicho, please respond."

"What?" He answered albeit irritably, ever since his ability to control time had been taken away by Kami-sama, he had to reaccustom himself to the usual 24-hour system. And that meant no time-stops to prolong his rest hours.

He got up from his bed, a comfy king-sized one with lots of pillows and a large blanket. He was back in the Taiga Mansion. The servants had been keeping the household in maintanence even though the owners hadn't been using it for the past three hundred years. Though Kushiro had been stopping by from time-to-time every five-hundred years or so.

"Yamamoto-soutaicho has requested that the captains arrive earlier for the ceremony. Please input response." The black butterfly said mechanically.

"I'll be there." Kushiro waved it away gruffly as he pulled on a black t-shirt.

"No need to be so rough Cushion." Came a girlish voice. A petite woman emerged from the mess of pillows and blankets. Her fiery orange hair stood in stark contrast with the black and white themed bed coverings. Her nightgown was slipping off one shoulder as she rubbed her pale green eyes.

"Rosette, you shouldn't stay out here for too long." Kushiro said, genuine worry coloured his voice. "Even if this house is protected from UV rays, it's still not good to stay out too long."

"Don't be such a party-pooper Cushion, your reiatsu's keeping up just fine. Besides, you _did_ promise me a week of free activities. Being cooped up in a coffin for so long doesn't do my skin well." Rosette walked across the room to where the door to the private garden was open, giving them a view of the flowering plants outside. She stood next to Kushiro, their height differences showing clearly. "Look, my skin's so white it's almost transparent." She held up a hand.

Kushiro took her small hand into his. "I'm sorry," He said, holding it up to his face.

"Kushiro, you're still thinking about that? How many years ago was that, it's about time to forgive yourself." Rosette put her arms around his waist.

"Even if the whole world forgives me I still can't forgive myself... What I've done, is-"

"Toooouuu-san!" Razbelle's voice rang out clear, followed by the sound of hurried footfalls. She bundled into the room, her voluminuos vermillion hair unbound and flying freely. "Kaa-chan!" she ran over to the couple and hugged them. "I missed you Kaa-chan, Ruru's missing again."

"Oh dear," Rosette lifted the child up. "You're getting a bit too heavy for me to carry, young lady. Cushion, is it okay for Ruru to go free for a few days?"

"Should be no problem, I hope the reiatsu here should be thick enough." Kushiro grinned as he ruffled Razbelle's hair. "I hope." Sincerely, he did.

* * *

"Today you are all gathered here," Yamamoto said into a microphone, with the rest of the eleven captains of the other divisions behind him, Kenpachi hadn't arrived yet, each with a microphone in front of him or her, with an idiotically large television atop of them to magnify the captains for the tens of thousands of shinigami present.

"We, the Gotei 13, are of no longer by name, existent." Yamamoto said. "For today, we are now Gotei 14! And I now introduce you the captain of the Fourteenth Division, Kushiro Taiga." A wave of clapping rang when Kushiro stepped up onto the stage.

Expecting an epic speech from the captain of the newest division, the crowd fell silent.

"Hey, you lot. Nice to meet you. How's life, or death for the matter?" Kushiro said into the mike. "My-" He stopped, his gazed trailed on something flying past. Everyone turned to see the sight of a gigantic white _toilet bowl _flying past their airspace to crash into one of the tall buildings. Everyone was utterly dumbfounded and speechless at the sight.

On stage, a piece of paper flew into Kushiro's hand. It read:

_You'll need it. Lots of love, Your dearest Kami-sama._

Kushiro's eye twitched involuntarily. _That... Fucking bastard of a deity. _He swore. "As I was saying, my name is Taiga Kushiro from the Taiga Clan. Yes, I'm of same rank as Byakuya. Yes?" he asked as a hand was raised.

"Didn't you notice that a _toilet bowl_ has just crashed into a building?" The person asked.

"Yes, what of it? Anyone hurt?"

"No?"

"Then let's just get this over with. Next, For you information, the Fourteenth Division is for those who can combat hollows, but are not shinigami. For instance, let's say a Quincy. But those who are shinigami can feel free to join too, since we are also in charge of administrations; just send the approval of your current division leader and the approval of my vice-captain and dear sister Mitsuki. Come up!"

Mitsuki left her seat in the front row of the crowd, where the current members of the fourteenth division sat. The raven haired woman with a butterfly clip on her hair took over the microphone, her long hair touching her waist.

"Err…Hi. I'm Mitsuki, or Mitzy. Yes I'm single. No I'm not interested in you. Yes I'm Cushions sister. No he won't forgive you if you even touch me. And a finally yes he has an overprotective sister thing like Byakuya." Mitsuki answered all questions that the crowd thought even without asking.

"Hey Kushiro, what your made off? Show me your stuff!" Kenpaichi challenged as he came landing into the stage finally arriving with Yachiru on his back.

"Nah, can't risk the lives of so many people." He took out his lollipop to speak.

A wave of 'Awwwwwwwwww' came out. Who wouldn't want to see the powers of one of the Royal Guard, I mean the Captain of the Fourteenth Division.

"What's in your coffin?" A reporter asked, the crowd was getting more confident. Other shinigamis backed him up, curiosity flaring.

"Just some candy. But one thing's for sure. Do not, I repeat, DO. NOT. On pain of a thousand deaths, open my coffin." He placed the thing straight on the stage, displaying the chained coffin.

"Why can't we?" a random shinigami asked aloud.

"It's better if you did not know." He muttered, but to the audience, he answered cheerily "Blood doesn't run in my veins, sugar does! And to anyone who steals my candy, a punishment worse than death awaits." his voice dropped an octave. "Heh. Well, that's all from me."

"Well, young ones, go back to your stations. I have a special assignment for myself." Yamamoto took leave as soon as Kushiro left the mike.

"That's weird," Jushiro said out "He never leaves before a ceremony ends. And there's another hour to go. But anyway, I have to go get my medication. Bye." Shunsui followed his old friend to the forth division's pharmacy.

* * *

"Eh, what seems to be the problem?" They saw the pharmacy in disarray.

"It seems Captain Shunsui, that 7th seat Hanatarou, during the morning, accidentally administrated laxatives of Grade A kind to Captain Commander Yamamoto as his morning medication. The Captain took the whole bottle."

"You mean the kind that makes you go toileting as fast as the wind?"

"Y-yes." The shinigami replied, hesitantly.

"Wait. Kyoraku, if I remember correctly, Yama-jiji didn't go to the toilet from this morning's meeting and …"

"Oh. Shit." The two captains simultaneously shouted "Evacuate this place. NOW!"

Too late, they already saw an old man raising a flaming sword, walking towards the pharmacy, albeit weak on the feet, though.

Captain of the First Division, and commander of the Gotei 13…14, Yamamoto Genryuusai, the wielder of the strongest fire element sword in history and the only known shinigami that has ever lived over two thousand years old.

With his divine, almost unfathomable strength, he was to, using his flaming sword, pass judgment on the location known as the Pharmacy of the Forth Division.

"For crimes against my digestive system, mental sanity and ability to pass motion, I hereby sentence you to ASHES!"

The man raised his sword high above, only to drop it and run wildly to the nearest toilet he could find.

With an EXTREMELY loud BARAFUHHHKKKK there came the following: a happy Yama-jiji, a quenched flaming sword and an amazingly insane stench that could scare away Aizen Sousuke himself. And that was saying something.

The endless fear and torture of the medic team and the two captains was daunting. They remembered what happened a good two hundred years ago.

* * *

--------200 years ago soul society news---

_ENRAGED CAPTAIN COMMANDER DESTROYED HALF OF SEIREITEI DUE TO EXCRETION PROBLEMS! DEATH TOLL RISING TO TEN THOUSAND PEOPLE. THE CAPTAIN COMMANDER IS STILL ON A RAMPAGE. ALERT TO ALL RESIDENTS OF SEIREITEI._

* * *

The people shuddered at the thought. In the end ,it took a gallon of tranquilizers, a whole fifty man platoon of Kido Corps elites and several hundred binding spells to calm him down.

"I'll go take a look." Shunsui said, as he crept away from the table suddenly, he ran back shouting "TAKE COVER!"

BOOOM! The toilet exploded. A LOT of… unimaginable things went flying in all directions, spanning a radius of fifty meters.

"All I wanted was to flush the toilet…" Yamamoto said before cleaning himself of the waste material and walking away from it like nothing happened. But before that, "REVENGE!" Yamamoto shouted as he waved his sword, charging towards the pharmacy, but accidentally slipped on the poop and fell on his head.

"I think we should get out of here now." The captains said to each other. They shunpo-ed away, just in time to escape a quite rather really impressively pissed of Unohana, if that could be used.

"Now, who's going to clean up this mess?" she smiled, with every inch of her being deep fried, steamed, boiled and marinated in an infinite abyss of menacing aura portraying the very word of 'Smiling Devil'.

Her underlings quickly complied.

* * *

Sam laughed uncontrollably from his seat, he was in the lounge of the Zero division quarters, watching seireitei's current happenings through the television screen mounted on the wall. Some of the Royal guards off duty today came into the room. "What's so funny, Sam?" Urahara's predeccessor, Hikifune asked.

Sam continued laughing, pressing the replay button. Soon, the entire troupe of Royal Guards were laughing their asses off. When Sam finally got his composure back, tears streamed from his silver eyes. "Ah," He wiped a stray tear away with his finger. "Kami-sama, that was a good one."

Hikifune nodded in agreement, as disgusting as it was, it was funny to see the Commander General of the Gotei 13, no 14 going completely out of character. "But you know, Kami-sama is throwing a tantrum."

"He is?" Sam asked, "Oh dear." he quickly put on his glasses and took out his top hat. "What is he upset about?" Sam put his hand into the hat, searching for something.

"He didn't say, but it was something about Aizen."

"Holy crap," Sam said. "Mr Violent-Bunny, I need you to find the Hougyoku, quick." The hat groaned as if it had an entire dimensionful of stuff inside, which in fact, it did.

"Wait a second, Sam m'boy." A voice speaking in a perfect English accent answered as Sam rushes from the lounge. "What in the name of Belphagor is happening?" A pink fluffy bunny sporting a monacle and a moustache peeped out of the hat, holding the marble-sized sphere between both paws because it lacked thumbs to hold them.

"Oh, nothing much. We just have to convince Kami-sama that there are more interesting things than watching an Aizen wreck havoc in Soul Society again." Sam said.

"That's going to be a problem." Mr Violent-Bunny answered.

"I know."

"How are you going to convince him when you're wanting Aizen to come back and wreck havoc again?"

"Exactly!" Sam didn't know whether to cry or laugh.

Indeed, he _was_ crazy. But so is everyone, it's a matter of perspective really.

* * *

**A/N: Sam's not one of the peace haters or Aizen supporter, just to clear up any misconceptions. He's just bored.**

**Sorry for the rather short chapter. Half of it was my older brother's crazy idea. You gotta love crazy older brothers.**

**Gwaaah Exams! I r havings themz.**


	5. The Fifth Problem

The Fifth Problem

Kuikido is useful.

Taiga Mitsuki was a beautiful woman by many people's standards, and easily took the limelight when she walked into a room. But one thing she disliked doing, no, more like utterly loathed doing, was paperwork.

In the Zero division, paperwork was near to non-existant. Having an all knowing deity as your superior was very helpful. The only work relatively close to paperwork was probably restocking the toilet papers in the washrooms.

But nonetheless, that was the work of a vice-captain. Ever responsible for taking care of her family and her division like a mother, Mitsuki took up the job to enter the division's main office to brave the mountains of paperwork that awaited her. She opened the office.

To say she was stunned was an understatement. She was utterly dumbfounded. The paperwork she had estimated to be on the tables were completely off scale. In fact, there was _only_ two stacks of paperwork that were neatly left there, not more than ten centimeters thick each.

She entered the office cautiously. There must be a trap, there always was. Her years of training and mission instincts as well as her woman's intuition were tingling. It couldn't possibly be so easy. Any mission that was easy always had a catch. She checked to see if anything was rigged.

Surprising enough, nothing was. A yellow post-it pad stuck to the table caught her attention. It read:

"_Kuikido is really useful. I sorted through the paperwork. Applications and what-not are thrown away, can you imagine that __some people are already asking for raises? I don't know if I should be angry that they asked or even that they filed it to the wrong division. -Cushion. P.s. If you want to see the mess, it's in unused dimension 47."_

"Aww, Cushion, you shouldn't have." Mitsuki sighed. She sat down and loaded her brush with ink. "Now then," She looked at the first piece of paper. A sudden cloud of darkness shrouded her features, that was bad. It was a flyer concerning candy, so was all the other 'paperwork'. "**You really shouldn't have.**" She ripped the flyer to shreds. This was the reason she was the one doing the paperwork, the _moron_ no matter how powerful he was, was still a -bleep-ing -bleep-ing -bleep-tard.

After that, let's just say Mitsuki didn't have a really fun time looking for the paperwork in unused dimension 47, the dimension where all disappeared paperwork ended up. There was always a catch.

* * *

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon in Karakura town, many of the residents were lazing around, bored out of their wits. The computers on in front of them, opening Facebook like a fridge, checking to see if there's anything new, but nothing new shows up.

Kushiro stepped out of a portal, in front of the Kurosaki clinic. "Kuikido _is_ useful." He commented, "Now then, where's that Menos?" He turned around and saw the daunting black giant. "Oh, there it is."

Suddenly it attacked, diving its nose towards Kushiro, a really long, pointy holey nose. But Kushiro felt an irritation in his nose and sneezed. A very, very powerful sneeze, which promptly shot a few million spiritrons at the Menos, rendering it to spirit-dust.

_Obliterating the enemy by sneezes, cool._ Kushiro mused as he saw said Menos cursing a few "WTF" words before dissolving into thin air.

"Ever the stupidly powerful powerhouse, eh Kushiro?" A voice said from behind him.

"What does that mean Isshin?" Kushiro smirked as he unwrapped a chocolate bar.

"You're going to get diabetes like that." Isshin warned as they walked into the Kurosaki household.

"Like I could get diabetes, I'm already dead dumbass." Kushiro laughed, but his face had a mild look of melancholy. "Even if spirits could get diabetes, my time was stopped long ago."

"That's what the Royal Guard can do to you."

"And look at you, you let yourself go didn't you." Kushiro glanced at Isshin's stomach suggestively.

"It's not _that _bad." Despite that, Isshin sucked in his stomach.

"Whatever you say, fatty." Kushiro shrugged, grinning as he dodged Isshin's kick and counter-attacked by pulling his leg and smashing him into a wall. The crash made Karin and Yuzu rush downstairs.

Karin, thinking that they were under attack by an arrancar, slammed her heel into Kushiro's nose, bringing him down. A silent paused followed as Karin waited for Kushiro's next move, expecting him to make a quick come-back at her.

But instead, Kushiro and Isshin both jumped up at the same time, hands clutching their noses. "What did you do that for?" they shouted stimutaneously, even their expressions were the same. The only difference was that Isshin was shouting at Kushiro who shouted at Karin.

Yuzu came out from the back of the staircase. She looked at Kushiro and then blinked. She could see him perfectly even though he wasn't in a gigai. "Ano, dad, is he a cosplayer or a spirit, or a cosplaying spirit?"

"I'm a shinigami." Kushiro deadpanned. "Are these your daughters? Cute," He commented, "when you compare them to your son."

"How can you compare girls to boys! They aren't alike at all, anyway, Girls are much more fun to wa-" He was cut off a Karin kicked him again.

"I'm sorry, truly I am." Kushiro looked sympathetically at the twins. "By the way, I'm Taiga Kushiro, just call me Kushiro if you want, newly appointed Captain of the fourteenth division. Nice to meet you." He extended a hand to Karin who ignored it.

"Why are you here?" Karin demanded none-too-gently, dropping into a chair in the dining room.

"'Cuz I can and it's free?" Kushiro answered, putting his coffin down. It felt light without Rosette in it. He caught the projectile Karin threw at him and put it down on the table in a fluid motion.

"Ano, Kushiro-san, what would you like to drink? Coffee, tea?" Yuzu asked, tiptoeing slightly to get the cups from the top cupboard.

"Anything that's sweet or sour is fine, just nothing bitter." Kushiro answered, he turned back to Karin. "Not actually, I'm just dropping by to see Isshin. Haven't seen him in I dunn-"

"Ah! That's right, Karin, the boys you play soccer with called you to go to the field at five!" Isshin said loudly, pushing Kushiro's head back, covering his mouth.

Kushiro grabbed at Isshin's hand which was suffocating him. "What was that for!" He repeated.

"They don't know about me being a shinigami, you moron!" Isshin hissed.

"So? It's about time they know!" Kushiro whispered back, Isshin pulling him into his pace.

"About time we know _what?_" Karin and Yuzu looked at the pair skeptically.

"That Ichigo is doi-" Isshin was palmed in the face by Kushiro.

"That this guy is a shinigami, a captain at that." Kushiro answered, sitting down.

"Oh, that's _it_?" Karin looked at him skeptically. "What are you guys hiding?" Yuzu set the cups of iced lemon tea down.

"Thanks, yeah, that's it. You guys knew it all along?" Kushiro took out his lollipop and took a sip of the lemon tea. He scooped out some sugar from the sugar bowl and threw it in, stirring slowly. "Anyway, where's Kon? I need him to follow me to the division."

"Uh, why?" Karin asked.

"My division is for homeless hobos that can destroy hollows." Kushiro said, "So, where is he?"

"Right now, he should be in Soul Society. He followed Urahara through the portal." Yuzu informed.

"Yeah, he should be in-" Isshin spit out her drink. "He what?"

"He went to the shop yesterday, why do you care anyway?" Karin finished her tea in a single draught.

"Uh, nothing much, He didn't give me the password to his porn!" Isshin shouted dramatically, making Karin kick him.

"Whoops, got to go." Karin glanced at the clock. "See ya oyaji." She called to Kushiro.

"O-oyaji?" Kushiro quirked an eyebrow. "I won't ask." He sipped at his tea. "So, Kon is in Soul Society."

"So," Isshin mirrored Kushiro's movement.

"He's screwed."

* * *

"Kami-sama, you really shouldn't-" Too late, he threw in the vial of liquid. "Oh, that's a pretty colour, but Kami-sama, you really shouldn't be doing this right now."

"Why Sam?" Kami-sama asked, holding another beaker of fluid with the tip of his thumb and index finger. His back to Sam. "You want this too don't you?" He smirked.

"Actually, yeah." Sam grinned. "But, really, do you think Aizen's little brother will wreck havoc like Aizen did? You really should just pull him back from the dead. After all, you _did_ give us the choice of free will."

Kami-sama paused, "Nah, the Dimension of Lost Souls can't have me opening it every so often. It'll break, you see." Kami-sama turned around, looking at Sam with different coloured eyes. The left one was glacier blue while the other was lycorice red. His hair was white but melted into other colours when the light reflected off it.

His face was youthful and smiling, beautifully sculpted. "Anyway, wouldn't it be nice if he had a happily-ever-after?" He said in his sing-song voice. "Well, I am a sucker for sappy love stories aren't I?" He walked over to the cauldron and dumped the fluid in.

Sam shrugged, "Then why did you make Kushiro choose?" He asked.

"That, my dear child, is why I gave you the power of free will." Kami-sama crossed the space in between them and caressed Sam's face lightly. He was half a head shorter than Sam to match his youthful look. "I needed keepers for Time and Space that had lost their drive, so that you wouldn't use it for selfish means, like Aizen."

"True," Sam smiled wryly. Kami-sama turned back to the cauldron. "Well then, are you done with making the new type of candy?"

"Nope, you've gotta let it bubble. Now then," Kami-sama snapped his fingers. "Aizen Yuusuke is out for revenge, gathering all the forces that his brother had before him in Hueco Mundo, without Soul Society knowing."

"Yep, that should do. Now should we throw Kushiro's watch down or the Hougyoku?"

"No, I got this." Kami-sama took out a sword. "_Toki no Namida_, the tears of time. Not a powerful as the watch, letting him slow time down. Or do you think I should rewrite their memories abit and throw the Hougyoku down to him?"

"It depends, really." Sam shrugged, it was becoming a habit.

"Want to make him an Infinity?" Kami-sama asked excitedly, like they were little children planning on making a treehouse.

"Up to you."

"Come on, Sam, your choice this time." Kami-sama whined.

"Just read my future thoughts then."

"You know I don't like to do that when you're changing them like a roulette, it's unpleasant."

* * *

Yachiru was bored, whenever she was bored, it would always end up with pranks, annoyance or destruction of property, did I forget something? Yeah, there was also the option of candy giving, but today Yachiru was in a particularly playful mood. And that usually ended up with a dare game. What could _possibly_ go wrong?

Nothing much, just about everything. According to Murphy's law, anything that _can_ go wrong _will_ go wrong.

Oh well.

She had always wanted to get every one of the captains to join and she almost did, except for Kushiro, who was in the Dimension of the Living. And Yamamoto, even she had her limits. So, for this giganticly devious plan, she had to get partners. The Shinigami's Women association was busy, Valentines was coming and they were gathering information of the various heart-throbs of Soul society.

She scrambled under a hedge into one of the great houses of one of the nobles, forgot whose it was though, but definitely not the Kuchiki mansion because she had recently went there to get a new supply of candy from Byakuya. Her pink head popped out from the bush.

Razbelle went to pick up a ball she had been using to replace Ruru for the time being, but then thought that it didn't quite feel the same as Ruru did and kicked it away. It flew a surprising twenty metres away despite being only lightly flicked by Razbelle's foot. Razbelle cocked her head to a side and in a blink of an eye, was standing on top of the wall where the ball was flying to and managed to kick it back to her room through the open bamboo doors.

But then, she became bored again, too lazy to retrieve her ball. She leaped down from the wall, her pink, slightly frilly dress floating with her. She turned to look at the bush, where a set of brown eyes looked back at her. Razbelle paused, staring back.

Slowly they walked towards each other, sizing each other up. When they were toe to toe, Razbelle looked straight at Yachiru eyes and smirked, something she learnt from Kushiro. "Not bad." she stood taller than Yachiru by about half a foot. "Razbelle Valentine." She extended a fist.

"Yachiru." The smaller girl mirrored Razbelle's gesture, and bumped fists with each other. They opened their fists to show the candy that was in it and promptly threw it in the air and snatched the other's one. "Nice to meet you, Razzy."

"Likewise. I'm bored, what do you usually do here for fun?" Razbelle asked as she unwrapped the candy and popped it into her mouth.

"Lots of things, like dare games" Yachiru grinned, her perpetual blush marks moving with the motion. "Can you catch up?" She shunpo-ed away in a small gust of dust. Razbelle took up the challenge.

Unbeknownst to both of them, Rosette had been taking pictures. She couldn't wait to tell her Cushion about their little Razbelle's new friend. Soul Society was really in for it, Razbelle had been let loose on it.

* * *

**Translations**

**Kuikido-**空間道 **A kido that Zero division members use, it basically opens portals and space. The unused dimensions are mini-dimensions.**

**Ano- Umm..**

**Oyaji-Old man, uncle**

**Otou- Father**

**Okaa-Mother**

**-San-normal suffix for an elder or more respected person**

**-Chan-suffix for someone close or younger person, usually for females

* * *

**

**A/N: Another chappie! Sorry if it's too crazy and shallow. Razbelle and Yachiru have been released onto Soul Society! What kind of havoc will they create? Aizen's younger brother that Kami-sama had made up on whim, will he be crazy enough for Soul Society's madness?**

**Btw, sorry for not putting up translations on the last chapter, and just assuming that everyone knew what they meant. **


	6. The Sixth Problem

The Sixth Problem

Of Preparations and Manliness.

Kon pranced around Seireitei, singing about Orihime and Matsumoto's valleys of heaven. Following Urahara was such a good idea. How long since he was isolated from the soft touch of a feminine hands that did not dress him up in freaking frilly cutesy outfit unbecoming for one so manly.

He rounded the corner, according to Urahara, the newest division was on the outskirts of Seireitei. _Where are the valleys of paradise~? _He thought. But really, he should be asking _Why didn't I just follow Urahara?_ He ran past the corner quickly, noticing the sunset coloured hair, not the giant of a mexican and the figure of a former-arrancar who were standing next to her.

"Orihimeeeeee~" He shouted in pure glee, pouncing at the female. Expecting the soft touch of boobs, he was taken a back when his face connected with a hard pale fist.

"What is that _thing_?" Ulquiorra asked, withdrawing his fist. It came as a reflex motion, he didn't quite realised he had extended his fist until the thing had hit it. Chad looked at Kon with a strange gleam in his eyes, like he was reunited with the object of his dreams.

"Oww, How rude! Addressing the great Kon-sama as a thing!" Kon rubbed his nose. "I deman- Uh-oh." Kon finally saw the menacing bulk of a man, Chad standing in front of him.

* * *

Razbelle chased Yachiru through the streets of Seireitei at such high speeds that they sometimes they slipped into shunpo. As they raced past the Shihouin Mansion, the guards had a hard time catching up to them, causing such a ruckus that Yoruichi had also tagged along, ditching her meeting.

In a few minutes, they were racing through the corridors of the 14th Division. Nel, at that time was bored and was pestering Halibel to play tag with her suddenly caught sight of them and joined in too.

Another few minutes later, they were at the site of the Giant Toilet Bowl. Where they stopped. Yachiru looked at the forces she had gathered. "Boobies, Nel and Razzy, help me with something." She opened a secret hatch that led to the sewers, motioning to the others to follow.

Without anything better to do, they complied. When Yachiru closed the hatch and was certain no one was going to come, she said in a devious voice, "Let's commence Operation Dare Game of the Century!"

Above them, another game of tag was going on.

* * *

"WHAAAAATTTT THHHHEEEEE EFFFF! How can he run so fast!" Kon screamed as he dashed through Seireitei, Chad hot on his heels. He leaped twenty feet in the air, into another lane. "AHA SUCKER! Let's see how you get over this wall!"

Chad simply jumped and caught hold of the top of the wall due to his height and hauled himself over, undeterred. Kon looked at him with a WTF look on his face before taking off in a dash again. Yet again he crashed into somebody as he rounded the corner.

"What is it this time!" He whined as he bounced off the person's soft exterior. Wait, _soft_ exterior? Either he was lucky enough to run into a pair of boobs or he had just rammed into a gigantic plush toy.

Life wasn't always so nice, and at times it could be just down-right nasty. A giant bear plush loomed over him, casting its great shadow onto Kon. It was repaired many times, stitched and restiched everywhere so many times that it looked under stuffed.

It looked down at Kon, its lips sewed in a perpetual arrow pointing upwards joined to its slightly dull pink nose. It grinned, or grimaced, one really couldn't tell, but the seams of its mouth pulling apart abit scarily so that it looked like a sweet dream gone bad.

"**Wha—t- -i-n the woh-orld...?**" It sort of, _droned_.

Kon screamed, nearly fainting. If not for his survival instincts he would have just collapsed there. He ran. Like Hell.

The giant plush turned its head towards the direction Kon had ran into. It coughed, "I really need to get some cough-drops. Why is this place's reiatsu level so low?" It nodded at Chad.

"Osu Ruru." Chad answered.

"Hey. **Do yo-**cough- sorry, do you have some cough drops by any chance?" Ruru asked. "By the way, please, call me Rupert. It's bad enough Razbelle doesn't use my real name."

Chad nodded, "I don't have any, sorry, Taiga-fukutaicho might have some. Taiga-taicho also asked us to call you to shrink, the reiatsu here's not as thick as the one in the God-realm."

"**Ye-**cough-yeah, got that. Were you chasing that thing? It going to be gone soon." Ruru reached for a strap on his back and pulled at it. He shrank gradually till he was the height of a toddler, he looked less menancing like that. "Surprisingly, it works. Thanks, see ya." He waved to Chad who went after Kon.

"Maybe I should get back to Razbelle before I start to rip again." He looked around, lost. "This was so much easier when I'm ten foot tall. Setsu's nose might come in handy right now."

* * *

Somewhere in Seireitei, Setsu sneezed. Contrary to popular belief, she did not sneeze because Ruru had talked about her, no. As a matter of fact, our little blue eyed friend was sneaking some food from the kitchen but accidentally inhaled some pepper.

"Whoops, Darn it." She darted past the tables and nearly made it to the door. But as luck would have it, I tell you, luck wasn't always a cheery person, Ray, the chef, saw her.

"SETSU! Put that apple pie down now!" Rayleigh shouted, pointing at her with a spatula dramatically. He looked almost like Renji, bright red hair cropped spikily with a pair of goggles strapped to his head to keep his hair away from his face.

"No can do Ray, I need my afternoon rations!" Setsu called back dodging the plates that Ray was shooting at her.

"What freaking _afternoon rations_? You already had three lunches and two obentos! What kind of glutton are you?" He pulled out a flame-thrower out of nowhere.

Setsu stared at him. "Where the _chicken bananas_ did you get that? I thought Kushiro banned you from firearms in the kitchen!" Setsu cartwheeled through the air narrowly missing the plates that flew at her.

"In the kitchen, The Chef reigns supreme! To Heck with Kushiro!" He screwed the lid of the oil tank shut. "Technically, this isn't a firearm, it's a tool of an artist to create pieces of art!"

"What _artist?_ You can't even ice a cake properly!" Setsu called out. Standing on the ledge of one of the windows, she looked down at Ray, sliding a finger across the icing and licking it. "Not bad."

"You get down here right now!" Ray shouted, obviously pissed.

Kai walked into the kitchen. "Konnichiwa, Rayleigh-san." He mummered as he walked past.

"Ah, hi Kai." Ray said briefly before he continued to shout at Setsu sitting up on the ledge slowy enjoying her apple pie. Kai took out a bottle of juice from the fridge and a bento. He heated it up in the oven before leaving the kitchen with a word of 'Excuse me' to Ray.

"Hey, didn't you just see that?" Setsu pointed an accusing finger at the door where Kai had just exited the kitchen. "Why did you let him take the bento?"

"Huh, what?" Ray turned to look at Kai who was long gone. "I didn't see it so it doesn't count. Besides boys need more food than girls."

"That's just sexist!" Setsu shouted.

"And here I thought girls were the one that wanted to keep their figure!" Ray shouted back.

He was rewarded with a half-eaten-pie-in-the-face. He lifted his hand slowly to wipe it off his face, by that time, Setsu had already jumped out the window. He cursed so colourfully that I can't put it up here.

"I swear, cooks are _so_ under-appreciated." He finally said.

* * *

Ikkaku walked through the streets of Seireitei. It had been quite a boring day. So much so that the most interesting thing was probably seeing Chad and Kon running past him just now.

He looked around, scratching his legendary bald skull. Then something caught his attention. A bright pink poster stuck on one of the walls. It was like all the other posters on the wall that was advertising on Valentine's day. But this one stood out from the rest.

_"Are you tired of being used as an artificial moon? Being a lightbulb? Being an under-appreciated person due to that fact that people are jealous of your beautifully shaven head? Wish you were more popular with the girls that like beautiful hair like Kuchiki and Hitsugaya? Then this is for you! The all new and improved __**Hair-grow solution**__**V2**__! Grows a head of thick beautiful hair in just 2 days! Come to the area of the Giant Toilet bowl today for a trial!"_

But really, you think Ikkaku Madarame would seriously read all that crap up there? No possible way in hell. He was a picture book person, and so was the poster, showing all the pictures he needed to see.

It smelled like a trap. But what the heck, the manliest division, The 11th division were always rushing head first into any trap.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the eleventh division, Maki was walking through the personal rooms of the division, searching for a certain narcissist when he heard someone talking.

"...I have completely and utterly fallen in love with you." It was Yumichika. "Your eyes which hold such great beauty and your hair like black silk." OMG, has Yumichika's gayness finally shown itself? "That astoundingly breathtaking voice you speak in, just drawn me in.." And who is that other person threathening the manliness of this division? "I just want to eat you up."

"NOOOO SENPAI Y...ou mustn't?" Maki looked at the empty room, save for Yumichika and him, there was nobody else except for a mirror.

Yumichika stared at Maki, his feathered brow twitched in annoyance. "Yes?" He flicked his hair as he walked to Maki. "What is it that is so important you have interrupt my activities?" He demanded.

"Uh, Kusajishi-fukutaicho requested your audience...?" Maki edged away from Yumichika who was emitting a rather pissed off aura.

Yumichika glared at him before turning away, hair swishing. "Where?"

"The area of the Giant Toilet bowl?" Maki kinda, meeped. Yumichika disappeared through the window.

* * *

Gin sat in his office, waiting, waiting for something to happen. Anything. He was getting bored, no, he had been bored all day, Kira had done most of the paperwork for him and he was done with his own stack.

He slumped onto his desk groaning. _What can I think of to keep my mind off boredom? Uh,the newest division had some pretty nice recruits? Like Ichigo, he's a bit creepy though. And his hair, bright orange, not like Rangiku, hers is strawberry blonde. Wait, why did the topic go to Rangiku?_

He stared at his ceiling. It had just been fixed after the war. He contemplated on his fragile position in the Gotei now. He at the last possible moment betrayed Aizen and stabbed him right through his soul-sleep before someone came and took the Hougyoku out of Aizen and suddenly disappearing. _Now that I think about it, was that person wearing glasses? His eyes were grey right? Rangiku's are kinda like that aren't they? Abit blueish bu...Wait, how did the topic go to Rangiku again? _

He scratched his silver hair. Weird. _Never mind, _He slid down his chair. The leather was a bit slippery. _So, I'm on house-arrest, never thought it would be so boring. Wish there was some sake, _His mind wandered to the big busted lieutanant of the tenth division. He blinked as he caught himself.

_I really must be bored._ He slipped onto the floor. _That's what five years of house arrest can do to you. _He sighed, eyes opening to reveal blood red irises. _"_Hey guards? D'ya think ya can let me go out fer' some people-watchin'?" He called to the two people standing outside his office. He had known the first day they were assigned to him that they were scared out of their wits of him.

He raked his fingers through his hair. He had to be good so they could let him go, no knocking out the guards for own amusement. He sat up from the tatami-ed floor. Just then, he felt a flare of reiatsu, outside his door. "Hm? Looks s'if there's someone bustin' me out."

He slid open the door. Expecting to see a third seat of one of the divisions. But to his surprise, he saw a midget, with vermilion coloured hair standing in front of his door. She looked up at him and held up a hand. "I demand candy in exchange for my service."

Gin looked at the child, then at the guards knocked out on the ground. "Scary, scary."

* * *

An alarm was sounded, Yachiru grinned. She spoke into a loud-speaker. "Captain Ichimaru Gin is on the loose! He was last sighted near the area of the giant toilet bowl! All shinigami capable of combat are to mobilize immediately!" Yachiru said, her voice was changed and unreconizable through the speaker. The shinigami manning the speaker stations were knocked out around her and tied up.

Oh the joy.

"Yachiru, was that really necessary?" Yumichika asked.

"Why the fuck didn't you just get us to randomly find some morons to play?" Ikkaku asked, he was looking away from the tiny lieutanant.

"Baldie took the _bait_~" Yachiru sung. Ikkaku immediately shut up. She popped a sweet into her mouth.

"What about the captain commander?" Yumichika asked. "He's going to throw a fit over all this."

"Yorucchi has taken care of that." Yachiru ran off. "C'mon, Yumi-chan, Baldie~ Nel should have finished planting the traps and claymores."

"Traps?"

* * *

"That was close, I almost thought Yama-jii wouldn't take the bait." Yoruichi wiped her brow. "Nice job, Shaolin."

"You needn't praise me, Yoruichi-sama. Anything for you." Soifon looked away, blushing slightly.

"Aww, were you always so cute?" Yoruichi took Soifon into a headlock and scrubbed her knuckle on Soifon's head. "But really, I didn't think Yama-jii would seriously fall for the 'Appease you with tea and cookies filled with anastethics' tactic Yachiru thought up of. That kid's going to become something when she grows up."

Soifon felt a tinge of jealously. _How could a mere child outdo me? No, be optimistic, Yoruichi-sama praised me, face-to-__face. She only mentioned the child in passing, that means I'm better. But wait, the child will be better than me when she grows up, that means.. Arrgh!_

"Uhh, Shaolin, are you listening?" Yoruichi asked.

"H-Hai, Yoruichi-sama, sorry, what were we talking about?" They were back a the area of the giant toilet bowl. _When did we get back here?_

"Nothing much. Just watch out for the claymores and traps. Nel did a pretty good job of concealing them." Yoruichi commented. Soifon's eyes darkened, another person was competing for _her_ Yoruichi-sama's praises.

But in truth, Yoruichi thought pretty much anything that worked was done pretty well.

**

* * *

-Jii-suffix that means Granpa**

**Hai-yes**

**Osu-something that resembles 'hi' used by guys**

**

* * *

A/N: And that's it, preparations for the Dare Game of the century are done. Next chapter, prepare for some madness.**

**Soifon going totally Ooc in this chapter lol.**


	7. The Seventh Problem

The Seventh Problem

That's not how a dare game works!

The giant toilet bowl was surrounded by thousands of shinigami armed to the teeth with zanpakutos, haoris, sake, cosmetics and candy.

They fanned out and secured the area with a distance of two-hundred meters from the giant toilet bowl. Standard procedure, they said, but it was totally hillarious if view from a giant screen sticking to the wall a few thousand feet in the air.

I mean, the Gotei 13, as the forteenth division had not have speakers installed into their system yet. Blame a crack team of ants that raided Kushiro's closet and spilt honey on the wires. The damage done could have been repaired in three minutes but the problem was actually choosing which speaker they should put. It was a tied battle between a cloud-shaped speaker and a sky-shaped speaker. On one hand a cloud-speaker was abit more noticable than the sky-shaped speaker but the cloud shaped speaker was proned to raining, the downside on having realistic-ness, courtesy of Kami-sama. a candy-shaped speaker was considered than banned three seconds later due to the probability of Kushiro ingesting it one fine day later. The thought of democracy was not going too well over the squad, thus one second they would try cut each other apart and the other moment they would just forget about the existence of it,

Coming back to the topic, Gotei 13 was edgy as they surrounded a giant toilet bowl, full of the entire soul society's honor and prowess. They stared down the toilet bowl as if another winter war was coming and all of them gripped their weapons tightly, a deathly (excuse the pun) silence interwoven between the first circle of figthers surrounding the massive twenty metre in diameter toilet bowl, which would be the captains and vice-captains of each division. Almost all were present at the field, other than a select few who actually knew what was happening.

And yet Yamamoto was sound asleep like a baby, despite snoring like the old man he was.

* * *

Sam was laughing his ass off right now. First time he actually saw Yamamoto not saying 'Kill all of them' the popcorn on his lap was running out fast and he needed a refill, though. So he waved a finger and a ripple of dimensions tore into existence.

Dimension Pc0Rn-He stuck his hand into the ripple and pulled out three bags of popcorn. That should do for the time being. He flicked his fingers and the ripple of dimensions sewed itself up and dissappeared. But as things were decided to not go according to plan, Sam was instantly whiffed beside Kami-sama.

"What should be Yuusuke's weapon? I need it to be something that will scare the wits out of his to be enemies and arrancar."

Sam was baffled by this question. "You're not going to give him the time reversing thingymabob?" A gigantic ten ton hammer? A scythe of doom? A pink frilly dress? A green leotard? Wait. Weaponry. An epic sabre might do... Or how about a nuclear powered laser gun? Laser...? Saber..?

Sam suddenly reached enlightment. A lightbulb appeared on top of his head and it was SHINING.

"Aizen Yuusuke shall have..." he paused dramatically, hoping to excite the deity. But then since he's all knowing it wouldn't work, but we don't have to tell him that, right?

"He shall have a Lightsaber." He grinned before popping some popcorn into his mouth.

Kami-sama nodded in agreement. "What about his hair then? We need something striking, something like..." He pulled out a colour palette full of eye-bleeding colours. His unsymmetrically coloured eyes paused at one of them.

Following his gaze, Sam grinned. This was going to be so_ fun._

* * *

Gin surveyed the 'arena' that the vermillion-haired kid had took him to. He hadn't a single clue what was going on, and he decided that he didn't like not knowing what was going on. It made him feel that he wasn't in power. And that sucked.

He leaned against the railing of the balcony they had stopped on. The kid had disappeared as soon as she caught sight of some candy left on another building. _Hn, I wonder why kids these days like to eat so much sweet things? Maybe a sweet-tooth epidemic is going around. Persimmons always taste the best. Dried ones are even better._

All of a sudden, his legs were kicked from under him and his body lurched as someone bodily flung him from the balcony towards the centre of the arena. _That person's good._ He thought as he spiraled across the airspace. He did a backflip and landed on the handle of toilet.

The crowd looked up, the whispering voices died down immediately. "There he is!" The call ignited a whole flurry of activity as the shinigamis shunpo-ed towards the ex-traitor.

From her perch on one of the tallest building surrounding the arena, Yachiru smirked. "Go! Hacchan~!" she screamed in euphoria.

The large, pink-headed man did a series of complicated hand-seals while mummering a spell under his breath. Then in a swift motion, he lifted both hands up. A large gold barrier encased the shinigamis in the form of a large transparent box.

"What the hell?" a lot of the shinigamis shouted stimutaneously. "It was a trap! Soul Society is under attack!"

"That bastard Ichimaru must be the one behind it!"

Yachiru grabbed the portable microphone, "That's an incorrect answer!" she practically sang into it. "You guys are here to play my Dare Game~!"

"What the heck, Yachiru?" Renji swore. His sword was already in shikai form. "Let us outta here!"

"No way, you're here to play my dare game~ None of you are getting out before midnight~!" Yachiru danced. A mine exploded. "Oh, and by the way, there are traps and mines that Nel set up twety meters from the barrier, so watch out~!"

"Damn it Yachiru! Let us leave!"

"Lettuce leaf?" She asked. "I can't hear you from up here! Okay~ the first dare! Shinigami of the sixth division, I dare you to do the CanCan!"

"WAIT, THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO PLAY DARE GAMES!" The sixth division shouted together, posing in the same chop-hand gesture. Except for Byakuya, heaven forbid the 28th generation of the head of the prestiguos Kuchiki household to do such a gesture. Just imagine how his reputation among the fangirls would drop.

"Well... if you don't comply, then your division will blow up~" she said cutesily, holding a trigger that had a big red button on it. Big red buttons that could be pressed were always associated with explosions, everyone knew _that_. "I give you five seconds, one..."

"Do it," Byakuya ordered. He didn't think that the compact-sized lieutanant was joking, since she had that _look_ in her pink eyes.

"But captain-"

"Three~" Music started playing in the background.

"Just, do it." He stood rigid, arms crossed in front of him.

"You're not doing it?" one of the members asked as they quickly got in line.

Byakuya fixed him with a look that said, _"I am the _captain_, you do not question my authority. Besides, she only said _members_."_

"Five~!" her finger touched the button, she pressed it ever so slightly...

BOOM. A loud explosion was heard from the direction of the sixth division.

"That's the lobby gone~!" The members of the sixth division started to dance the CanCan frantically, some of them didn't even know what the hell the CanCan was, and just followed everyone else in the random kicking. "Faster~ faster~!" she squealed.

The poor members of the sixth division were left to dance the CanCan as the game continued. Even Razbelle couldn't help but think that they were pitiful, that was saying something. Though she was drawn back to the pile of marshmellows on the table in a matter of seconds.

"THIS IS NOT HOW A DARE GAME WORKS!"

* * *

Sam and Kami-sama stood back and examined their handiwork. "You know, this is funny, in a kind of twisted way." Sam commented as he rubbed his chin.

"Oh well, but really, for the sake of the readers and this author's humour, let's not change any of it. Don't you think?" Kami-sama asked.

"Who?..Never mind. But it is quite epic, seriously. Why don't we just throw him down now?" Sam asked. "By the way, have you modified everyone's memories yet?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Wait a sec," Kami-sama snapped his fingers. "There, done."

"You seriously make it look so damned easy." Sam smiled crookedly.

"It actually is quite easy, just think of what you have to modify and your target audience and Snap your fingers. Simple enough."

"...I won't ask. You'll have to tell Kushiro about this too."

"Oh, I almost forgot. You know Sam, you make quite a good human planner."

* * *

Down in the realm of the living, everyone who had even a small bit of connection to Aizen had a part of their memories remodeled slightly to include the existance of Aizen Yuusuke. Except for Kushiro.

The white haired man felt a small throb in his head indicating the change that Kami-sama had made. "Oh dear, it seems Kami-sama has just remodeled your memories." He finished the lemon tea. _Hmn, it must be that new evil-dude-made-for-the-sake-of-the-plot person._

"Huh, what do you mean Kushiro?" Isshin asked.

"What? I didn't say anything." Kushiro waved his hand for emphasis. "You must be getting old, hearing things like that."

"WHA-! Never mind. So have they found Yuusuke yet?" Isshin asked suddenly.

"Who?" Kushiro raised an eyebrow. _Intresting.._

"You know, Aizen Sousuke's younger brother that went missing when Aizen went to Hueco Mundo and was never heard from again until Aizen was stabbed and swore revenge while he disappeared into a Garganta, that Aizen Yuusuke?" Isshin helped.

"Oh, _that_ one." _Nice job informing me, Kami-sama._ Kushiro smirked. "No, but Hueco Mundo has shown signs of hollows gathering up. We are about 70% sure that Yuusuke is behind this." He simply made up. "Anyway, I got to go now, see you in a while."

"I see. Okay then," Isshin got up from the table. "I'll be seeing you."

"No need. Just now I only used the door because there was a hollow." Kushiro opened a portal and mock saluted to the docter before stepping into it.

* * *

"Cushion, you're back~!" Rosette said, dropping the knitting she was doing. Kushiro looked at the mess on the floor with a raised eyebrow.

"You must be bored, how many sweaters, scarves and mittens have you made?" Kushiro asked. The whole floor was littered with them.

"Currently? 7 sweaters, 3 scarves and I forgot how many mittens I made. By the way, I made a new dress for Razbelle!" Rosette held up a gothic lolita dress full of frills and lace and ribbons. "Do you think she'll look cute in this?"

Kushiro sweatdropped. His wife could really overdo things when she was bored. "Yeah, it should look nice on Raz. Where is she anyway?"

"Razbelle went out with her new friend. I think her name was Yachiru or something, pink hair, about a head shorter than Raz." Rosette made a gesture indicating Yachiru's height. "Wait, I've a picture," Rosette fumbled around the mess tatami room for about a minute before producing a black camera from under one of the pile of clothes.

"Oh," Kushiro stared at the photo. "_That_ Yachiru."

Soul Society was in some pretty deep shit.

* * *

Yuusuke's brown eyes snapped open. He had accidentally fell asleep again. He rubbed his eyes. "Sire," he turned to look at the arrancar

"What is it, number 49?" Yuusuke asked, annoyed at himself for falling asleep, wiping away the drool.

"We have penetrated the last of Seireitei's defences and are ready to make a move. What are your orders?" The arrancar asked. His raven coloured hair was chin length and messy. The fragments of his mask formed two diamonds on each of his earlobes, hidden by his hair. One of his half-lidded eyes was Violet and the other black.

"Prepare for battle, we're moving out." Yuusuke grabbed a black helmet and slipped a tube to his obi.

"We are already prepared." the arrancar answered back in a drawl.

"Um, well, then just call them to get their parachutes ready." Yuusuke randomly said.

"You've issued that order at least ten times since the mission started." The arrancar answered impassively.

"..Just shut up Variante. Just, shut up." Yuusuke rubbed his temples.

"Yessir," Variante, as it would seem, answered in a voice that was usually associated with a dead fish.

"Thank you." The former shinigami said, turning around to make his black cape swish dramatically behind him. It kind of gave the effect of an evil warlord. That was, until it caught on the edge of his table and caused him to fall down. He quickly got up and dusted himself. "That didn't happen, you didn't see that."

"I am blind." he answered, lackadaisically.

"Good." Yuusuke picked up his cape's train, which was quite short actually, and went towards the Garganta room. These few days Garganta had been very hard to open due to Soul Society putting up new dimensional barriers and stuff. Fitting his helmet onto his head, he ordered them to open the dimensional door.

"It is going to be opened at a random place. And sir, ple-" Variante was cut off.

"Be careful, yadda-yadda been there heard that. Now can you please open the Garganta?" Yuusuke crossed his arms impatiently.

"As you wish." Variante pressed a button.

"Fina-AAAAHHHH!" Yuusuke shouted as he went into freefall, the Garganta opening at his feet. This was happening _way_ too many times.

**

* * *

A/N: Hey there, another crazy chapter of craziness. About the last part if you're confused, basically, Kami-sama just remodels everybody's memories to fit Yuusuke in. And Yuusuke has his own set of memories so that he just wakes up and acts like he was in existance all along.**

**Anyway, thanks to my older bro for writing the starting of this chapter.**


	8. The Eight Problem

The Eight Problem

Someone just tell him that it's pink.

"Yahaha~" Yachiru squealed in her high pitched voice, accidentally setting off a bomb in who-knows-which-sorry division's head quarters. "Oopsie, anyway, you! Blacky!" she pointed at a dark skinned shinigami.

"What, me?" five people answered together.

"You see anyone else?" She asked. "Anyway, you have to arm-wrestle a lieutanant of your pick!"

One of the dark skinned person called back. "I choose The lieutanant of the Ele-"

"And no choosing me~" Yachiru twirled around. "I'll choose someone for you~ Hmn, how 'bout-"

* * *

Setsu's ear twitched slightly. She looked away from Akira whom she was sparring with. "What's up Setsu?" Akira paused, shifting out of his kung fu stance into a normal one. Subsequently, Satsuki, Kai, Yumi, Halibel and Starrk stopped what they were doing to look at the white headed girl. Well, Starrk just woke up more accurately.

"Arrancar," She said simply. "And they're about to fall into the giant toilet bowl Kami-sama sent. Wanna check it out?"

Akira shrugged. Kai cocked his head to the side slightly, sheathing the practice sword. "Okay, why not~" Yumi answered. Satsuki grinned. Starrk however waved half-heartedly. "You guys go ahead, Urahara might want me and Halibel in the lab later."

"Ja ne, then," Setsu collected her blue scarf from the bench while Kai returned the practice sword to the rack. The five of them disappeared with the help of shunpo.

After they left, Starrk scratched his head. "I forgot to ask them to call Nel and Ulquiorra back."

* * *

Setsu and co. arrived at the arena just as a gigantic black portal opened and spat out a troupe of people. All the shinigami contained below the golden barrier looked up as the troupe fell right through the barrier, shattering it in the process and setting off a few dozen bombs, sending themselves and some shinigamis unfortunate enough to be nearby shooting through the skies with the force of the explosions.

Setsu whistled. "Ooh, pretty!" Yumi exclaimed.

"Onii-san," Satsuki greeted as Kushiro emerged from a portal beside them.

"Seems like the bad-guy-made-for-the-plot has arrived." Kushiro unwrapped another lolipop. "So, who wants first dibs on fighting them?"

"Me!" Setsu ran off, "I get the one wearing the black cape!" towards the mass of shinigami where indeed the single person wearing black in the troupe had landed.

"Who?" Akira asked.

"The last one who fell through the portal," Yumi answered.

"Damnit, why are you and Setsu's eyes so damn good?" Akira asked as he followed Yumi, jumping down the building they had landed on.

"Cuz I'm a sniper!" Yumi giggled.

* * *

Someone was heard coughing as the dust cleared. A lone figure stood in the center of the disorientated group of shinigamis that had cleared away to prevent themselves from being hit by the said person. The figure stood up, heavy nasal breathing could be heard from him, or her, or it, or gay homo-thingy that walked on two feet. "**Cough** _Why is it so hard to breathe with this thing on?"_

Setsu landed about five meters away from it. "Woah, Darth Vader much?" She asked. Indeed, the figure cladded in all black did look like the primary antagonist in the Star Wars series.

"Who?" The person stared at her. "No, I mean, SHINIGAMI OF THE GOTEI 13, PREPARE FOR THE WRATH OF AIZEN YUUSUKE!"

"Sorry to be a wet blanket, it's the Gotei 14 now." Setsu corrected, hands casually in the pocket-like folds of her hakama.

"It is?- No, I mean...Oh never mind." The Darth Vader guy face palmed, groaning in frustration. "Where's Yamamoto, I want to kill him and throw Soul Society into chaos. Wait, who are you anyway?"

"I'm Setsu. And bunny there is Kai." Setsu jerked her thumb at Kai who had followed her.

A vein on Kai's head throbbed. He hit Setsu's head upside. She retaliated with a jumping kick while he expertly guided her leg from his face with the back of his left hand, slamming her head into the tiled floor. But she had maneuvered her other leg onto Kai's torso and lifted him with it as she flipped backwards, throwing him into the wall behind Yuusuke.

Yuusuke sweatdropped at the scene. But then regained his composure and thought optimistically, "Fighting amongst comrades, that means the ranks will quickly crumble under pressure...Wait- Don't sidetrack, Yuusuke!" He shook his head. "ENGARDE!" he shouted pulling out the tube his sash and pressing a certain button located on the grip.

But Setsu and Kai ignored him and continued to thrash each other around. "DON'T EFF-ING IGNORE ME!" He exclaimed, a comical anger mark pulsing on his helmet.

Setsu stopped, holding up a hand in Kai's face as a signal to stop. Kai, who was in the middle of throwing Setsu face-down into the ground again stopped and hauled her into an upright position. "Is that..." She pointed at the lightsaber.

"Yes, it_ is _ a lightsaber! Cower at my feet infidels!" Yuusuke pointed at them with his weapon, laughing diabolically.

He was cut off "No, seriously, it's _p-?_" Setsu quirked an eyebrow.

"NO, IT'S NOT PINK FOOLISH MORTAL, IT'S LIGHT RED, LIGHT RED!" He shouted as he appeared in front of Setsu, bringing the saber down on Setsu who blocked it with her unsheated zanpakto.

"I wasn't going to say _pink_, you only think like that 'cause you subconciously associate it with _pink!_ Dumbass!" she pushed Yuusuke away with a slice of her sword. Unlike other swords which guards and handles were dull gold, hers was made of white platinum and wrapped with dark blue material despite being in its sealed form.

Kai stood impassively with his arms crossed in front of him, holding his zanpakto in his right hand. The black sheath had deep red patterns flowing on it. Kai immediately noticed when someone walked up to him from behind. "You're different." he said.

Variante came to a stop beside him. His mismatched eyes heavily lidded and looked bored. "Everyone is _different_." he drawled half-heartedly.

"..." They stayed silent watching the light saber and the katana clash.

The lightsaber made contact with Setsu's right forearm, a sizzling sound was heard. "Damnit." she kicked Yuusuke on his chest, pushing him away, doing a backflip. "Ow ow ow." she ripped off the part of her shihakusho's sleeve that had a small flame eating at it. The skin underneath was charred and had an angry burn left. She wiped her left hand over it, making a sheen of ice appear, covering the burn.

She had only enough time to dodge when Yuusuke's lightsaber came crashing down on her, missing her foot by a hair's breath. "Damn." she swore.

"Hmph, Tremble before me!" Yuusuke grinned triumphantly. Setsu's eyes narrowed, a smirk forming on her face. Yuusuke pulled the lightsaber out from the ground and slashed at her. Pressing a button on the lightsaber, the tube of light flattened and became a blade. She backed away quickly and waited for Yuusuke to jump at her.

In turn, she jumped behind him and landed on his cape's trail, stomping down on it, hard. "What the...?" Yuusuke asked, unable to comprehend what the whitehead had just did. He turned around quickly to parry an attack from her, only to trip on his black cape which was stuck to the ground.

"Why you.." he spat out some blood along with a small piece of chipped tooth. I wonder how he managed to do that with a helmet in his face.

"How did you do that?" Setsu also stared in curiosity.

"That's for me to know, and you to find out." Yuusuke slashed his weapon at her, annoyed. She went out of her way to step on a tile on Yuusuke's left, the lightsaber grazing her jaw.

Setsu hissed as she did a sommersault backwards away from Yuusuke. Wiping a hand over her new wound, making a new sheen of ice appear. She then took hold of Kai's hand and ran like hell away from the scene. Variante quickly caught wind of the situation and followed Setsu's lead.

"Yeah, go get them Variante!" Yuusuke tugged at his cape which was stuck on the ground. _Stupid Arrancars, making this material so damned tough to rip. _A soft beeping sound was heard. _Hm, what's that sound, it sounds awfully familiar...like a time-bomb..._ He continued to tug at his cape for a second, until his mind suddenly registered that a beeping sound wasn't supposed to be ignored.

_Oh, Crap.

* * *

_

Yumi was joustled slightly by the explosion, making her miss her shot. "Whoops, I missed." she looked over her shoulder to where Setsu and Kai were fighting the person cladded in black.

She was with Satsuki and Akira fighting the main bulk of the army Yuusuke had brought along with him. They were mostly witless arrancars that only craved eating the souls they got their hands on, most were just deformed pieces of meat moving on two legs and devouring whatever that was in their way. Smashing them to bits were the only way to stop them.

Something Akira was doing perfectly.

The shikai form of his zanpakto manifested in the shape of a pair of knuckles, equipping themselves on his fist. He bashed his way through the ranks of the deformed arrancar-zombies with a grimace plastered on his face. He didn't like zombies, especially when the goo they drooled was green.

When the zombie-arrancars had reformed themselves, the place was suddenly crammed up with them. "What the hell, Yumi! Keep shooting the bombs!" He shouted to the redhead.

"There's no more bombs left Aki!" she shouted.

"Oh, screw the bombs... **RAIJIN OU NO BAKUHATSU**(Thunder-Fist King's Blast)" He slammed both his fists down onto the tiles of the floor, creating a gigantic crater, a split second later, a massive bolt of lightning crashed down onto where he stood immediately obliberating all of the arrancar-zombies surrounding him, the gunk from the exploding zombies sprayed everywhere.

Akira was not a happy person to say the least.

He wiped off the greenish goo from his face with the heel of his palm. "I'm not liking green right now." he muttered.

Yumi giggled from her perch on the building, looking at Akira's reaction. "Damnit Yumi, why didn't you just use the bazookas!"

"I had those?" She said in a falsely oblivious voice.

"I'm not liking you anymore."

"Boohoo." Yumi stuck out her tongue playfully, dishing out a humongous bazooka from seemingly nowhere, no, it was more of a missile launcher. She loaded and locked it. "Fire in the hole!" she called.

"What the fudge!" Akira dragged Satsuki away from the line of fire within the split second that it had took Yumi to press the trigger. A giganticly flashy explosion followed, "Give us more warning time next time you dumbass!" Akira yelled.

"Whoopsy- I'm so-rry~." Yumi answered, not sounding sincere at all.

"At least make it _sound_ as if you're sorry!" Akira shouted back.

Satsuki sighed, tired of their bickering. "I'll...just go find Onii-chan."

* * *

Ichigo was just minding his business when he saw Setsu dragging Kai by the elbow and being chased by an arrancar clad in white. Or so he thought. But by the way they were running side-by-side, he didn't think she was being chased.

"What's up?" He asked as they stopped about ten meters in front of him.

"Maybe you should see for yourself." Variante said, pointing towards the air, making Ichigo look upwards.

"!" A black and pink, no light red..._thing_ was spiralling through airspace at high speed that it was a blur. And it was heading directly at the unfortunate orange-haired shinigami, crashing into him.

"Bullseye." Setsu smirked.

"What _bullseye?_ You could've warned me!" Ichigo shouted, outraged.

Then the thing stood up, turning out to be Yuusuke. He looked around, groggy and disorientated by all the spinning. He vaguely remembered the orange-head. "Ichigo..." Then a random sentence came up in his head. "I am your father... oo-er.." He held his head.

All five people looked at each other. "..." a pregnant silence passed.

"BULLSHIT!" Ichigo shouted. "BANKAI!"

"You really have to stop doing Bankai Ichigo, it makes it look like an stupidly easy feat to do." Variante drawled in his lackluster tone.

"But it _is_ quite easy.. Wait, how do you know my name?" Ichigo asked.

"I know _a lot_ of things." Variante said, "includin-"

Ichigo couldn't hear what Variante past the blast of reiatsu of his bankai. "WHAT? I CAN"T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY BANKAI!"

"Y'know, if Grimmjow was here, he'd be pissed to say the least." Setsu commented.

"...I agree." Kai watched as Ichigo's gigantic kitchen knife shrunk to the normal-sized black katana.

"Anyway, Ichi-" Setsu began. Ichigo rushed at Yuusuke with all he had. Only to be deflected by an invisible shield. He crashed right through the wall that served as a divider for road.

"Wha-?"

"Mind you listen to what others have to say before you rush off like a madman? Geez!" Setsu threw her hands up. "Anyway, with reiatsu as erratic as yours you aren't going to get anywhere near him." She turned to Kai. "You want to fight him?" Kai shook his head slightly, gesturing for Setsu to carry on.

"Now then rookie, let me show you how a veteran does things..." Setsu smirked. She let her reiatsu show, shaping it into a vertical wedge in front of her before she rammed into Yuusuke's barrier with a flying kick.

Yuusuke, finally regaining his bearings parried her kick with his forearm. "I didn't think you would notice this quickly." Yuusuke dodged underneath a swipe from Setsu's sword, following up with a fist to her face.

"I sensed that the moment you landed." Setsu counter-attacked with a front kick, slamming her heel onto the chin of his helmet, kicking it clean off. Her eyes snapped shut instinctively as her vision was invaded by an eyebleedingly bright head of...

...Hot _pink_ hair.

Yuusuke took the chance to slash the lightsaber right at her abdoment, puncturing her stomach. She gasped. _Damn it.. _Blood dripped from her mouth. She felt herself falling backwards, preparing for the impact and the pain that would surely follow.

Instead, Kai caught her, with a hand under her shoulders. "...You could at least try to be more professional after what you said to him." he said, his red eyes had a nearly unnoticable look of experation in them.

"Don't go trying to be cool...bunny." Setsu smirked.

A small anime-ish vein throbbed on Kai's head. He layed her down to rest, albeit harshly, jostling her wound abit. She made a rude gesture at him, wincing. He then took Setsu's katana and deftly slit his wrist, earning a few weird looks from the other people. He held his hand over Setsu's wound and let the blood drip.

_The hell? Is he an Emo?_

"Isn't that going to give people AIDS?" Ichigo asked.

"Don't worry, Kai's blood is O-type, universal donater." Setsu managed to laugh abit at her joke. Kai's slit wrist seemingly stiched itself back together a few seconds later, leaving behind a trail of blood.

"What?" Yuusuke looked at Kai's wrist in slight shock. _He has regenarative abilities?_

"I would like to end this quickly." Kai said as he faced Yuusuke. "Konbawa, my name is Kuroya Kai, Aizen Yuusuke-san." He disappeared, a split second later, he was standing behind Yuusuke. A small _ching_ was heard. His hand on the hilt of his blade.

Yuusuke stood slighty paralyzed. _What was that?_ The split second Kai had disappeared, Yuusuke had felt an immense amount of bloodlust, as if a demon was ripping his very soul apart, and that he could do absolutely nothing about it. Fear caused sweat to slick his forehead. A cut formed on his chest, from his left hip to his right collarbone.

He glared at Kai, panting. "You're good. But not good enough..." He held up his blade. "Remember that I'm Sousuke's brother? Though I'm not related to him directly, but I still have one bond I share with him... _Gen_(illusion)._" _Kai's eyes widened in realization. "_Kimi no gensho de sorera o kun, Kagami no Sagi-shi. _(Swallow them in your illusions, Mirror's Imposter)_"

* * *

_

**A/N: A cliffhanger! My goodness, how messed up this story is. You're still reading it! Thanks! Anyway, My older brother messed up Yuusuke's weapon and now I have to make a new one for him, *takes out machine gun and destroys Older bro's stash of coke* **

***headesk this story just goes along with my whim, I don't really have a plot behind all this nonsense (or do I?) Any questions, anything you don't get, leave a review, flames are nice too (goodness, I must either be stupidly optimistic or just a masochist)**

**BTW, quoting RedxAlert, "Pink is legend, Hot pink is freaking Godly" She's not my beta reader, but her stories are hilarious. Check it out: ****www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/1434601/**

**Konbawa means good evening.**

**Onii-chan means brother.**


	9. The Ninth Problem

The Ninth Problem

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Kai's eyes widened. "_Kimi no gensho de sorera o kun, Kagami no Sagi-shi. _(Swallow them in your illusions, Mirror's Imposter)_" _Yuusuke's lightsaber bright light dulled until it was the same colour of its surroundding. The very fabric of reality twisted like a vortex into the hilt, making everything that made sense into nonsense.

_"Ka—i-kuu~n" _an acidicly sweet sounding voice called. Demented sapphire blue eyes came into his delusional vision. Setsu's white hair curled around like snakes, coiling around everything.

Bloodcurdling screams followed, echoing and resounding like he was in an empty place, screwing around with his hearing. Swirling black abysses threathened to swallow his being whole. "_Na na na na~" _A voice sung, accompaning the screams terribly, like a broken music box, going higher and higher.

He held his head. A sharp pain was eating away at it He looked up, only to see that Ichigo, Variante and Setsu towering over him, the same demented look was on all of their faces, their mouths frozen in the same horrible wide grin that nearly ripped their face in two. Blood-red tears streamed from their eyes that were receeding to bottomless black pits._"Dai~jyouu~buu?(are you okay?)"_

Their bodies lolled around like string puppets. He felt his head exploding but returned to normal in a second, or maybe it didn't explode at all. The thoughts piling up in his head made it even harder to think. Kai sunk to his knees head in his hands, his messy bangs shading his eyes from view.

In the realm of reality though, Yuusuke was looking at his handiwork. "Weird, that's the first time someone didn't scream." His sword was still in the form of a lightsaber. Everyone else just stared. "Kagami no Sagi-shi creates illusions, driving people insane and sometime incapitating their minds altogether." He explained, a twisted smile forming on his lips as he caressed the blade. "Handy, when you don't want to fight, no?"

"Then why didn't you use it in the first place?" Setsu asked.

"Shut up! An invalid shouldn't talk." Yuusuke snapped.

"WHO THE HELL'S AN INVALID?" Setsu swore, opening her wound. "God damn it."

* * *

_Riiiip_ the sound of ripping fabric alerted the arrancars that there was a person near them. He was a rather plain arrancar, with a rather plain set of hollow mask teeth lining his jaw. In fact his most prominent feature was that he was plain looking. But his name was another thing. It so happened to be Alfonso Bacctrucius Codwick Derofinne Edgardruce Four-hundred, as he was the four-hundredth to join the ranks of the arrancars. Well, everyone just called him ABC for short.

The other two were similar, like twins, both shared the same light blue eyes and light skin. One's hair was black and knee length and the other's was blonde and shoulder length. The one with the long hair had her nose in a thick black book. "Ne, ABC, what do you reckon that is?" the one with short hair asked, peering around the corner, not a caring about hiding herself.

"What are you doing! We're going to be found out!" ABC screamed in a whisper, clamping his hand over the girl's mouth. She shoved his hand away from her face. "Artemist-sama, tell her!"

"W-what?" The long haired arrancar pulled her nose out of her book. Her quiet voice stuttered slightly. "Um, Lisaris, you should listen to ABC.." her voice strayed with her attention back to her book. "..even if he's stupid." she added in a whisper as an after thought.

"Wh-what did you just say?" ABC asked pissed, shaking his fist at her, before remembering that they were supposed to shut up. Then he noticed that Lisaris was gone.

"Uwaah~! You're so cute!" Lisaris squealed as she held up Ruru with both her hands. Ruru stared at her, perplexed. A red-eyed, understuffed plushie which looked like it had been abused and thrown into a paper shredder was not everyone's idea of _cute_.

"Uhh, thanks?" Ruru asked.

"You can talk too! Arty, look how much Soul Society technology has evolved! The toys they make can talk!" Lisaris held Ruru in front of Art's face.

"Yes, yes.." Her voice trailed off waving away Ruru.

"Anyway, it looks like he has reiatsu." ABC said, but was ignored by the two.

"Yah~ Twirl twirl!" Lisaris twirled around with Ruru. "I'll name you Miranna~!"

"Hey, wait a sec, I have a na-" Lisaris swung him into a wall. "What the-"

"Miranna, Miranna!" Lisaris swung him around. Ruru was close to puking, as he had a weak congeastion. "La la la~"

"Hey! That's _my _Ruru!" Razbelle saw the brown teddy bear, _her _brown teddy bear from afar, being twirled around by a white clothed person. There was one thing she couldn't stand other than having no candy.

No one touched_ her_ Ruru.

Except for Rosette, because someone had to fix him. Back to the topic, the red haired child was enraged, disappearing from the balcony where she had found her sweets and candies. And that was a rare occurance. She appeared beside Lisaris positioned in a kick to her face. Just a second before impact, Lisaris held up Ruru in her stead, causing Razbelle to stop.

Using that instance of hesitation, Lisaris punched Razbelle right in the gut, not holding back. Razbelle flew through a wall. Lisaris smiled, her blue eyes uncaring, but her mouth was twisted in a cruel smile. "Finders keepers, Losers we-epers." she slid a finger down her face, mockingly.

Ruru was still dizzy, his vision a total mess.

"Lisaris-sama, you shouldn't have done that, she's just a kid," ABC said, earning a punch in the face.

"Not my problem," Lisaris flicked her hair. "You are just soo cute!" she hugged Ruru tight enough to crush his backbone, that is if he had one in the first place.

"Urk, what did you do to Raz..." he spat out.

"That's not cute." Lisaris's smile dropped into a frown immediately, "I don't like uncute toys." she took out a small sword and threw Ruru skywards, stabbing him and throwing him away unceremoniously with a flick of her wrist. "I feel like causing some random violence now, that toy made my mood bad." She glanced around, a huge stone table caught her attention. "I wonder what will happen if _that_ lands on her." She asked, picking up the table with relative ease.

"Lisaris-sama you really shouldn't do that." but ABC didn't move to stop the homicidal girl as she walked over to the small, unconcious figure of Razbelle. Without another word, she slammed down the slab of stone, a satisfying splat of blood covered her white boots. Lisaris didn't even bother to see if Razbelle was dead or not.

"Let's go." She ordered, turning away from the mess, a look of annoyance on her face. Artemist and ABC followed without a sound.

"Oya, oya, I really hate getting into this form." said a voice behind them. It was the same husky voice that came from the bear. A white haired man stood where the stone slab had landed, a long gash on his right arm, in his other arm was Razbelle. A single streak of orange highlighted hair fell between his golden eyes. "Man, this little sister is such trouble." His well built body showed through the skin tight white shirt he was wearing.

"Who are you?" Lisaris demanded, she glared at the man.

"People usually introduce themselves first." Ruru said, leaving Razbelle to rest propped against a wall. "Anyway, you need not know. You just need to know that you hurt my lil' sis. This is retribution." He disappeared with shunpo, reappearing with a fist in Lisaris's gut, punching her straight through several walls and into a building. He appeared just as Lisaris's body was about to touch the building, positioning his leg in a kick.

A black book was forced between his leg and Lisaris, causing a resounding sound of a metal being kicked. Ruru retracted his leg, his gold eyes narrowed. _That thing must at least weigh over a hundred kilos. _"..I'm sorry, I can't let you hurt my sister also." Artemist said quietly.

"Me neither," Ruru said.

"Get out of here if you want to live." Artemist said.

"Quite frankly, I'm already dead, so are you." Ruru smirked. "No can do, if you continue to wreck havoc around here, Razbelle's gonna get hurt."

"Neither can I, Aizen-sama called us from the depths of Hueco Mundo. If not for him, she would have been devoured by the others, for that I owe him my life," Artemist lifted her dented book up, "Therefore, his word is my will. _Oou, Cortina de la Noche _(Cover, Curtain of the Night)." The black book glowed faintly as it changed form.

"Whatever you say." Ruru didn't wait, he doubled his speed and appeared behind Artemist. "Sorry." He drove his fist into her chest, the sound of bones breaking could be heard, he gently put her down. "I get what you mean, but still..."

He went to pick up Razbelle as ABC was currently being forgotten in the background. ABC moved ever so slowly, blending into the background. Of course it failed. He received a kick right in the face, the remaints of his hollow mask crumbling as he fell unconcious.

* * *

"OW, Goddamnit!" Grimmjow swore. "Can you for the love of *#$# be gentler!" A metal rod was stuck through his soul sleep. A lot of wires were linking him to monitors. You can already smell the chemicals boiling.

He was in Urahara's lab. Sun Sun was in a similar condition, but unlike bare-chested Grimmjow, she had a blanket to preserve her self dignity. "Tell me why we're here again?" Sun Sun asked.

"Ora, ora, Grimm-chan, if you keep squirming around I'll never get this done." Urahara shook his head. "Anyway, it seems you guys are going to be fine." He checked a few screens before pulling the wires away from their bodies. "You can feel Pantera, right?" Urahara asked writing down something on a clipboard.

"A bit, I guess," Grimmjow shrugged, pulling on his shihakusho. "Why?"

"Nothing much, I'm just making a survey. What about you Sun Sun?" Urahara turned to the female former-arrancar who had just started to slip into the shihakusho. She looked at him and pulled out a zanpakto. "Are you able to release it yet?" he jotted down something on the clipboard.

"No, and Anaconda doesn't respond. She's just..there." Sun Sun explained.

"I see, I see~" Urahara ripped off the paper and threw it into a waste basket. "Now, would it be asking to much for you to go get Halibel and Nel in here?"

"Yeah, it is asking too much." Grimmjow spat.

"Thank you!" Urahara shoved them out of his lab and slammed the door in their face.

"The hell.. then you shouldn't have asked!" Grimmjow gave the closed door the finger.

"I've nothing to do anyway." Sun Sun sighed and obediently went to get Halibel.

* * *

Mitsuki ignored the noise and the arrancars/shinigamis which were flying over her head after being hit by someone else. Quite frankly, she didn't give a damn even if the sky was falling, all that was on her mind was getting the stack of horrendously annoying paperwork to where ever it needed to be gotten to. "GWAAAAHHH!" She paused as a shinigami flew right past her, missing the paper work by an inch. Her hand reached out to snatch back the stray paperwork which had flew off and expertly smoothed them out on top of the stack.

Just then, a land mine went off, the explosion blew a flaming spark onto the paperwork. It set the paperwork aflame with unnatural speed, rendering it to ashes within the split second. One of Mitsuki's elegant eyebrows twitched. It wasn't a good sign. Not good at all.

Ulquiorra crashed through the wall to land in front of her, coughing. Blood flowed from his forehead. He got up, glancing at the sword in his pale hand shatter. He pulled out another one from the few swords that he had loaded into his sash. "Ulquiorra-kun!" Orihime rushed from the hole. A projectile following from behind her was block by her glowing gold shield.

She mended his wound with Souten Kisshun the moment she got to him. "Mitsuki-san!"

Mitsuki smiled at her, it was the kind of Unohana pissed-off smiles that had a sense of impending doom to it. Ulquiorra flinched abit, but Orihime didn't seem to notice. "Who's the one playing with fire..? Orihime-chan?" Mitsuki asked, her sweet, motherly voice barely concealed the underlying desire to rip the sorry person to pieces stuff him/her in a shredder, mince him/her, and blending the person's remains with acid in a blender before giving it to the dogs, and that would be considered an insult to the poor dogs who deserve better.

"Oh, it's them." Orihime pointed to the few arrancars that were dressing and acting like delinquets.

"Aaaaah?" the head delinquet-arrancar strolled up to Mitsuki, tilting his head to look at her down his nose. "Ooh, what a pretteh gal this is!" He used his hand to cup Mitsuki's chin. She smacked it away with the back of her hand, directing her smiled towards him. The Arrancar flinched but ragained his composure to glare at her. "Aaah? Who do you think you're messin' with, aah? I'm teh Great Ore-sama(loosely translated as me-sama), Anass Afadass!"

Mitsuki and Ulquiorra couldn't help but sweatdrop at his name. "I know you're an ass." Mitsuki smiled her homicidal smile. "By the way, was it you who set off that bomb?"

"Y-Yeah, of course it was! The Great Ore-sama's main attribute is fire!" He took out his sword. Man, this is getting too clichéd.

"Oh, great, a Pyromaniac. Now I know who destroyed my two hours of hard work." Mitsuki grinned, cracking her knuckles. "Taiga style, Ten Ryuu Chi Tora (Sky dragon earth tiger)" she whispered as her reiatsu flowed to her finger tips, which were out stretched like claws.

Ulquiorra covered Orihime's eyes with his hands as the pissed off vice-captain of the 14th dision ripped the sorry delinquet asses up. Even if Ulquiorra had seen Ichigo's hollow rip someone to pieces, this was still far scarier than whatever he had ever seen before.

Mitsuki was redefining the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" to the very letter.

* * *

Yuusuke sat back as he waited for Kai to show some sort of response to his illusions. In truth, it was actually gettting abit boring. Setsu was immobilised on the floor with Variante was fighting Ichigo's bankai which seemed to be destroying more things than his army had altogether.

_The way he uses Bankai makes everyone's OC have Bankai._ He thought. _Wait, what an OC?_ Yuusuke rubbed his chin, his hot pink hair was falling into his eyes and making them itch like hell, but he stubbornly didn't want to use hair pins because it made him look even girlier than his hair colour already did.

Just then, the familiar shattering of glass alerted him. _No way, "_He broke the Illusion?" Yuusuke looked at Kai in alarm. Variante and Ichigo also stopped with their fight on a mutual agreement.

"_...I really don't want to let him out."_ Kai said. His voice quiet. He slowly got up, his head tilted slightly, his bangs sweep away from his face, his blood red irises glared at Yuusuke in disdain. He held up his sheathed sword horizontally in front of him.

"You're doomed, really you are. What the hell did you show him in the illusions?" Setsu demanded.

"Uh..eh, there were things?" Yuusuke asked. "..meep?"

Kai stared impassively. He turned the sword so that the sheath would fall off when it was vertical. The sheath slipped off slowly, "_Mosetu(_Annihilate_)," _the bloodlust seemingly exploded from the naked part of the blade. "_Enma Chigetsu(_Flame Devil Blood Moon)" A person formed by the dull red bloodlust came to stand behind Kai, an expression of amusement on his face.

_"Ne, how many centuries has it been since you last let me out, Little Kai?"_ His face was unnaturally pale white, long reddish black curls framed his face, he shared the same crimson iries but his left cornea was black instead of white. A long pale red scarf around his neck was connected to the hilt of Kai's sword. A round gold medallion with the same inscribings on the sword, hung by a red cord from it. _"Ahh, let's see, 700 years ago was it?"_

Yuusuke was paralyzed, so was everybody else, except for Setsu, who had more resistance to Enma's bloodlust. Ichigo was close to blacking out from the reiatsu. Enma appeared infront of Ichigo, his robes flowing behind him. He lifted Ichigo's chin and stared at the orange headed youth. _"So he's the new Infinity, so weak," _He laughed in a slightly mocking tone. _"it reminds me of you a mellenia ago..." _Enma abandoned Ichigo and floated around the rest, examining them.

_"Anyway, Kai, shall we get started with the massacre?" _Enma asked, a hint of excitement in his eyes. Kai said something unaudible to his zanpakto spirit, who sighed in slight disappointment. _"Well, we can't have everything we want can we?" _He shrugged, his sleeves went past his fingertips. _"Too bad that there'll only be two bodies today."_

Enma dissappeared. Yuusuke held up his lightsaber weakly, the sheer bloodlust of the completely unsheathed blade was overwhelming, he felt his breath hitch in his throat. A faint _ching_ was heard again as Kai sheathed Enma, standing up straight behind Yuusuke and Variante. Blood splashed everywhere.

"..I really didn't want to let him out." Kai muttered as Ichigo fell unconcious, letting go of Zangetsu. ..._How dare he make me grow bunny ears?_

* * *

"Tch, what a useless clone." Someone said from the shadows of Hueco Mundo. "Variante, prepare for the new ones."

A dead monotone answered back, "Hai, Aizen-sama. What about the rest of the forces down there?"

"Leave them to die, we've collected enough information from them. Enhance the clones." Aizen stood into the faint moonlight. "And pray, Variante, that you do not mess up my clone's hair colour next time."

* * *

**A/N: DUN DuN dUN! And that's a wrap for this chapter! But seriously, Yuusuke's hair is pink, just not eye bleedingly so. **

**Maybe I should make this into an Oc fic, Anybody intrested?**

**Reviews are appreciated! (seriously, I have no life *gets shot*) **

**Durarara is Epic! Heiwajima Shizuo FTW!**

**I don't think there's anything to add...i think**


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